“Are You Strong Enough To Be My Man?” The Written Exam

1. God, I feel like hell tonight. Do you:

a.) Hit me with your motorcycle to prove that things can always be worse

b.) Juggle oranges in your bathing suit

c.) Make me help you understand

d.) None of the above

2. How much can you deadlift?

a.) 100lbs

b.) 200lbs

c.) 300lbs

d.) My exact body weight whilst I’m throwing punches in the air.

3. “Nothing’s true” is to “Nothing’s right” as “So let me be alone tonight” is to:

a.) What you should do

b.) What you should not do

c.) A new Taylor Swift song

d.) What you should do AFTER using your mighty strength to vacuum my apartment and bake me a delicious pie

4. Can you change the way I am?

a.) Yes, if I scare you into changing using overnight visits from three different ghosts.

b.) Yes, if I surgically replace your head with another woman’s head.

c.) Yes, if I serenade you with the perfect mashup of David Bowie’s “Changes” and Tupac Shakur’s “Changes” along with the cast of Glee as imagined by the cast of The Glee Project as re-imagined by some drunk dudes who think our apartment is a karaoke bar.

d.) No.

5. What kind of vehicle can you tow with your teeth?

a.) A car

b.) A bus

c.) A covered wagon

d.) None, because my teeth are so strong they would rip the axle off of any vehicle.

6. Have you ever accidentally killed a small, delicate thing you thought you were only playing with?

a.) No, I am not Frankenstein’s monster.

b.) No, I am not Lenny from Mice and Men.

c.) No, I am not that strong.

d.) Yes, but it was only my dream of being small and delicate.

7.  When you ask the Lord to give you strength his response is:

a.) Nothing, I am an atheist.

b.) It’s hard to say; I am an agnostic.

c.) Ask and you shall receive.

d.) No, YOU give ME strength. You’re the strong one. Remember last time I tried to carry that dude on the beach and then you ended up carrying both of us?

8. How would you classify your type of strength?

a.) Prescription

b.) Industrial

c.) Hysterical

d.) All of the above

9. Who/what are you stronger than?

a.) Kelly Clarkson

b.) Kanye West

c.) Britney Spears

d.) The three-headed hydra that they all mutate into every time the VMAs occur on a full moon.

10. How do I make up the rules?

a.) I act like a woman who thinks like a man when I say that the movie Act like a Lady, Think like a Man can suck my dick.

b.) I keep them simple, in units of 8, and relevant to dating my teenage daughter.

c.) Heavily, the rules are very ugly.

d.) As I go.

11. If you subtract the times you tell me the truth from the total number of times you speak to me, then you will get:

a.) 94

b.) Invisible

c.) Tuberculosis

d.) The number of times I promise I’ll believe

12. You know you are strong enough to be my man because:

a.) You just won an old-timey boxing match against a man with a non-ironic handlebar moustache

b.) You beat Vin Diesel… in a bald-off… with a full head of hair.

c.) You got Jack Bauer to reveal that his real name is “Eddie” and he fucking loves creating home collections.

d.) You are a woman.

ANSWER KEY:  The correct answer to every question is d. Thought Catalog Logo Mark

image – Sheryl Crow

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Laura Jayne Martin

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