Things My Five-Year Old Has Said, Which I Have Quoted on Twitter

Eli is my five-year old son. He has an older brother, Slade. Slade writes fiction and spends a substantial amount of time on FlipNotes, so he rarely says anything worth quoting. Eli, on the other hand, has unknown goals and will say things that I feel other people could relate to, so I occasionally quote him via Twitter and once on Autostraddle.

Below is a collection of most of the quotes from my Twitter feed that I could find in one hour, in chronological order.

3.4

LANEIA! Hot lava is on your head JUST KIDDING!

3.18

Eli: Guess what I'm gonna put on my peanut butter and jelly!
me: "What?" Eli: "Jelly and peanut butter."

3.25

I just scared myself half-alive!

3.28

I'm going to give Slade this fortune cookie present. It's from CHINA!

3/28

Eli: NO I'M NOT DEAD. NO!
Slade: Laneia he's not dead, even though I've stabbed him repeatedly.

3/30

You call these things 'junk food,' right? I call these 'delicious.'

3/30

Eli: I'm glad it's Tuesday! Tuesday is Target day!
me: Who told you that?
Eli: I told myself.

4/7

This is a good song!! I can't even smell my fingers!!

4/17

If you loved me then you should've put some cheese on it.

4/18

I tried to jump and change but my heart got smaller and I died but I came alive again and everything stopped.

4/19

The sky is falling! The EARTH is falling. The earth is US. It's just falling in space. We will say 'oof!' We are all just falling.

4/20

You're a smart, strong person -- now COME ON and give me a granola bar!

4/21

Eli, wand in hand: Laneia I just need to get some Polygrip for my dentures. Oh there's some.
[grabs bottle of nail polish remover]

4/22

Eli: Ok so now I have your hula hoop and I'm ready. I'm ready."
me: "Ready for what?" Eli: [blank stare]

4/23

There are no funny parts. There are no real parts. - Eli on Avatar

4/23

Well if there was a knife machine that cut your legs, you could find cookies in your bones.

5/11

Laneia! I found a starfish in the bathtub! No, wait. It's just my hand.

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  • @srslydrew

    awwwww.

  • rarrwee

    funny kid hahah

  • http://heheheheheheheeheheheehehe.com/ tao

    i like eli

    i feel excited reading things he has said

  • http://twitter.com/Erikhaspresence Erik Stinson

    really true

  • Jordancastroisthepresident

    i enjoyed this

    sweet

  • http://twitter.com/derpcircus miles barney

    Everything in a 5-year-old's life revolves around food. It's so great.

  • MMMMMMMMM

    i was in the bathroom thinking about how i wish you'd make a site for things your kids say, and i went on the computer to go through your twitter and find them because i was sad and this was on the internet and nice.

  • meganboyle

    want to read a chapbook or something by eli

  • http://ericbeeny.blogspot.com Eric Beeny

    This makes more sense than anything I've ever read…

  • http://exitclov.tumblr.com exitclov

    does your son smoke weed err'day?
    “if you stare at me, i'll love you” is genius.

  • watson

    i didn't know i could make comments here
    i just found out

    anyway this is the second-best thing i've ever read

  • EJ

    wait, do your kids really call you laneia or is that just for clarity? (just wondering)

    • Laneia

      they really call me laneia

      • http://coldestcaress.livejournal.com/ Isa

        I called my parents by their given names as a kid, too. I don't really see the problem with it.

  • http://popserial.tumblr.com stephen

    i enjoyed this a lot

  • Rachel

    Eli: “I was only being scartastic. Startastic. Sartac–” me: “Sarcastic.” Eli: “Whatever. Let’s just have a tea party.”

    I love this kid!

  • http://maceavam.blogspot.com Mace Avam

    Normally I'm not a fan of people putting stuff their kid does on the internet but…
    “It will be funnier if you hit yourself in the head with a hard taco, because all of the stuff will come out. A soft taco is not as funny.”
    This was pretty funny :]

  • max.

    yeah I'm sorry, but 'slade' is not the name of a human being.

    • Tcrenea

      ..and max is the name of  a dog.

  • Amien

    For some reason, I was affected by Eli's quotes as I would by a good piece of art. It's a new perspective on reality by someone who doesn't yet have a rigid idea about what reality is (or is supposed to be).

  • jo-anna

    Twitter and pages about cats, wasted space on the net. Ho Hum.

  • anon

    man my dick is huge

    • Azizansari

      /b/tard

    • http://www.facebook.com/nansandoval Nancy Sandoval

      lol

  • Red

    This is so late, but I couldn't help reenacting Eli, and you. Really, I just played it out in my head, then out loud, and laughed.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Fasish-Rahjyme/100001543160445 Fasish Rahjyme

    Stop smoking weed around your kid. Maybe?

  • EB

    I really enjoyed this and I've actually started writing a song around the quotes! I've used 4/18 and 4/19. Hope you don't mind!

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100000778818646 Megan Elaine Cuvelier

    ^_^ this kid is freakin amazing

  • http://twitter.com/Glyttch Aeryk Burger

    Have you had him evaluated for schizophrenia? I'm schizophrenic and these sound a lot like things that I said as a kid…

    • Evee

      Onset of schizophrenia before your 20's is extremely extremely rare. Also these statements are not indicative of mental issues, merely creative play which is an essential part of development.

      • Amy Pond

        I’m with you that the kid probably doesn’t have schitzophrenia, but actually most cases of the disease show up in teenagers.

  • Bliss

    Some of the people in the comment section have been oversmart jackasses,please don't give them much thought.Such a lovely kid.It was a great idea collecting his words.God bless you both.

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