Things My Five-Year Old Has Said, Which I Have Quoted on Twitter

5/17

Laneia, I’m going to EAT YOU! I mean, if you were tiny and in my applesauce.

5/21

It doesn’t matter that she can’t fly. What I’m trying to say is, it’s a nice Jell-o hat.

5/29

Bongo drums are amazing. Like, where do they come from?

6/5

Slade can make everything magic. He could put things into my ear, and take things out of my ear! Everything could be magic.

7/30

If you stare at me, I’ll love you.

7/31

Eli: “Guess what.” me: “What.” Eli: “Justin Bieber.”

8/11

“A man is just a boy.”

8/18

me: “I am SO TIRED.” Eli: “AND BROKE.”

8/20

Eli: “My butt pocket!” me: “What about it?” Eli: “What about what?” me: “Your butt pocket” Eli: “…maybe just don’t worry about that.”

8/30

Eli

“This is not about tasting amazing. This is about fried chicken cake.”

9/3

“The green and the red one wanted to die. So I killed them.” – Eli re: sprinkles

9/17

“All of us are just characters. Characters. That’s all. I need [specific toy] – I mean, I need what I’ve got. I can’t find it.”

9/18

Eli: “I was only being scartastic. Startastic. Sartac–” me: “Sarcastic.” Eli: “Whatever. Let’s just have a tea party.”

9/21

“Do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?”

9/28

“It will be funnier if you hit yourself in the head with a hard taco, because all of the stuff will come out. A soft taco is not as funny.”

10/2

me: “Your shirt is on backwards” Eli: “That’s because I unfronted it.” me: “Why did you do that?” Eli: “This is more real.”

10/5

me: “You smell like a puppy.” Eli: “Thank you.”

10/8

“Look, a penis and a butt are just different.”

10/22

“[Teacher] was reading a Spongebob book and she said SITUATION. Laneia! She said it FOR REAL. I laughed so hard.”

10/22

“If you were a breadman made out of bread, and you got butter on yourself, that would be OK.” Thought Catalog Logo Mark

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