Eli is my five-year old son. He has an older brother, Slade. Slade writes fiction and spends a substantial amount of time on FlipNotes, so he rarely says anything worth quoting. Eli, on the other hand, has unknown goals and will say things that I feel other people could relate to, so I occasionally quote him via Twitter and once on Autostraddle.
Below is a collection of most of the quotes from my Twitter feed that I could find in one hour, in chronological order.
LANEIA! Hot lava is on your head JUST KIDDING!
Eli: Guess what I’m gonna put on my peanut butter and jelly!
me: “What?” Eli: “Jelly and peanut butter.”
I just scared myself half-alive!
I’m going to give Slade this fortune cookie present. It’s from CHINA!
Eli: NO I’M NOT DEAD. NO!
Slade: Laneia he’s not dead, even though I’ve stabbed him repeatedly.
You call these things ‘junk food,’ right? I call these ‘delicious.’
Eli: I’m glad it’s Tuesday! Tuesday is Target day!
me: Who told you that?
Eli: I told myself.
This is a good song!! I can’t even smell my fingers!!
If you loved me then you should’ve put some cheese on it.
I tried to jump and change but my heart got smaller and I died but I came alive again and everything stopped.
The sky is falling! The EARTH is falling. The earth is US. It’s just falling in space. We will say ‘oof!’ We are all just falling.
You’re a smart, strong person — now COME ON and give me a granola bar!
Eli, wand in hand: Laneia I just need to get some Polygrip for my dentures. Oh there’s some.
[grabs bottle of nail polish remover]
Eli: Ok so now I have your hula hoop and I’m ready. I’m ready.”
me: “Ready for what?” Eli: [blank stare]
There are no funny parts. There are no real parts. – Eli on Avatar
Well if there was a knife machine that cut your legs, you could find cookies in your bones.
Laneia! I found a starfish in the bathtub! No, wait. It’s just my hand.
Laneia, I’m going to EAT YOU! I mean, if you were tiny and in my applesauce.
It doesn’t matter that she can’t fly. What I’m trying to say is, it’s a nice Jell-o hat.
Bongo drums are amazing. Like, where do they come from?
Slade can make everything magic. He could put things into my ear, and take things out of my ear! Everything could be magic.
If you stare at me, I’ll love you.
Eli: “Guess what.” me: “What.” Eli: “Justin Bieber.”
“A man is just a boy.”
me: “I am SO TIRED.” Eli: “AND BROKE.”
Eli: “My butt pocket!” me: “What about it?” Eli: “What about what?” me: “Your butt pocket” Eli: “…maybe just don’t worry about that.”
“This is not about tasting amazing. This is about fried chicken cake.”
“The green and the red one wanted to die. So I killed them.” – Eli re: sprinkles
“All of us are just characters. Characters. That’s all. I need [specific toy] – I mean, I need what I’ve got. I can’t find it.”
Eli: “I was only being scartastic. Startastic. Sartac–” me: “Sarcastic.” Eli: “Whatever. Let’s just have a tea party.”
“Do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?”
“It will be funnier if you hit yourself in the head with a hard taco, because all of the stuff will come out. A soft taco is not as funny.”
me: “Your shirt is on backwards” Eli: “That’s because I unfronted it.” me: “Why did you do that?” Eli: “This is more real.”
me: “You smell like a puppy.” Eli: “Thank you.”
“Look, a penis and a butt are just different.”
“[Teacher] was reading a Spongebob book and she said SITUATION. Laneia! She said it FOR REAL. I laughed so hard.”
“If you were a breadman made out of bread, and you got butter on yourself, that would be OK.”