Things My Five-Year Old Has Said, Which I Have Quoted on Twitter

Eli is my five-year old son. He has an older brother, Slade. Slade writes fiction and spends a substantial amount of time on FlipNotes, so he rarely says anything worth quoting. Eli, on the other hand, has unknown goals and will say things that I feel other people could relate to, so I occasionally quote him via Twitter and once on Autostraddle.

Below is a collection of most of the quotes from my Twitter feed that I could find in one hour, in chronological order.

3.4

LANEIA! Hot lava is on your head JUST KIDDING!

3.18

Eli: Guess what I'm gonna put on my peanut butter and jelly!
me: "What?" Eli: "Jelly and peanut butter."

3.25

I just scared myself half-alive!

3.28

I'm going to give Slade this fortune cookie present. It's from CHINA!

3/28

Eli: NO I'M NOT DEAD. NO!
Slade: Laneia he's not dead, even though I've stabbed him repeatedly.

3/30

You call these things 'junk food,' right? I call these 'delicious.'

3/30

Eli: I'm glad it's Tuesday! Tuesday is Target day!
me: Who told you that?
Eli: I told myself.

4/7

This is a good song!! I can't even smell my fingers!!

4/17

If you loved me then you should've put some cheese on it.

4/18

I tried to jump and change but my heart got smaller and I died but I came alive again and everything stopped.

4/19

The sky is falling! The EARTH is falling. The earth is US. It's just falling in space. We will say 'oof!' We are all just falling.

4/20

You're a smart, strong person -- now COME ON and give me a granola bar!

4/21

Eli, wand in hand: Laneia I just need to get some Polygrip for my dentures. Oh there's some.
[grabs bottle of nail polish remover]

4/22

Eli: Ok so now I have your hula hoop and I'm ready. I'm ready."
me: "Ready for what?" Eli: [blank stare]

4/23

There are no funny parts. There are no real parts. - Eli on Avatar

4/23

Well if there was a knife machine that cut your legs, you could find cookies in your bones.

5/11

Laneia! I found a starfish in the bathtub! No, wait. It's just my hand.

Related

More From Thought Catalog