Things My Five-Year Old Has Said, Which I Have Quoted on Twitter

Eli is my five-year old son. He has an older brother, Slade. Slade writes fiction and spends a substantial amount of time on FlipNotes, so he rarely says anything worth quoting. Eli, on the other hand, has unknown goals and will say things that I feel other people could relate to, so I occasionally quote him via Twitter and once on Autostraddle.

Below is a collection of most of the quotes from my Twitter feed that I could find in one hour, in chronological order.


LANEIA! Hot lava is on your head JUST KIDDING!


Eli: Guess what I'm gonna put on my peanut butter and jelly!
me: "What?" Eli: "Jelly and peanut butter."


I just scared myself half-alive!


I'm going to give Slade this fortune cookie present. It's from CHINA!


Slade: Laneia he's not dead, even though I've stabbed him repeatedly.


You call these things 'junk food,' right? I call these 'delicious.'


Eli: I'm glad it's Tuesday! Tuesday is Target day!
me: Who told you that?
Eli: I told myself.


This is a good song!! I can't even smell my fingers!!


If you loved me then you should've put some cheese on it.


I tried to jump and change but my heart got smaller and I died but I came alive again and everything stopped.


The sky is falling! The EARTH is falling. The earth is US. It's just falling in space. We will say 'oof!' We are all just falling.


You're a smart, strong person -- now COME ON and give me a granola bar!


Eli, wand in hand: Laneia I just need to get some Polygrip for my dentures. Oh there's some.
[grabs bottle of nail polish remover]


Eli: Ok so now I have your hula hoop and I'm ready. I'm ready."
me: "Ready for what?" Eli: [blank stare]


There are no funny parts. There are no real parts. - Eli on Avatar


Well if there was a knife machine that cut your legs, you could find cookies in your bones.


Laneia! I found a starfish in the bathtub! No, wait. It's just my hand.


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  • @srslydrew


  • rarrwee

    funny kid hahah

  • tao

    i like eli

    i feel excited reading things he has said

  • Erik Stinson

    really true

  • Jordancastroisthepresident

    i enjoyed this


  • miles barney

    Everything in a 5-year-old's life revolves around food. It's so great.


    i was in the bathroom thinking about how i wish you'd make a site for things your kids say, and i went on the computer to go through your twitter and find them because i was sad and this was on the internet and nice.

  • meganboyle

    want to read a chapbook or something by eli

  • Eric Beeny

    This makes more sense than anything I've ever read…

  • exitclov

    does your son smoke weed err'day?
    “if you stare at me, i'll love you” is genius.

  • watson

    i didn't know i could make comments here
    i just found out

    anyway this is the second-best thing i've ever read

  • EJ

    wait, do your kids really call you laneia or is that just for clarity? (just wondering)

    • Laneia

      they really call me laneia

      • Isa

        I called my parents by their given names as a kid, too. I don't really see the problem with it.

  • stephen

    i enjoyed this a lot

  • Rachel

    Eli: “I was only being scartastic. Startastic. Sartac–” me: “Sarcastic.” Eli: “Whatever. Let’s just have a tea party.”

    I love this kid!

  • Mace Avam

    Normally I'm not a fan of people putting stuff their kid does on the internet but…
    “It will be funnier if you hit yourself in the head with a hard taco, because all of the stuff will come out. A soft taco is not as funny.”
    This was pretty funny :]

  • max.

    yeah I'm sorry, but 'slade' is not the name of a human being.

    • Tcrenea

      ..and max is the name of  a dog.

  • Amien

    For some reason, I was affected by Eli's quotes as I would by a good piece of art. It's a new perspective on reality by someone who doesn't yet have a rigid idea about what reality is (or is supposed to be).

  • jo-anna

    Twitter and pages about cats, wasted space on the net. Ho Hum.

  • anon

    man my dick is huge

    • Azizansari


    • Nancy Sandoval


  • Red

    This is so late, but I couldn't help reenacting Eli, and you. Really, I just played it out in my head, then out loud, and laughed.

  • Fasish Rahjyme

    Stop smoking weed around your kid. Maybe?

  • EB

    I really enjoyed this and I've actually started writing a song around the quotes! I've used 4/18 and 4/19. Hope you don't mind!

  • Megan Elaine Cuvelier

    ^_^ this kid is freakin amazing

  • Aeryk Burger

    Have you had him evaluated for schizophrenia? I'm schizophrenic and these sound a lot like things that I said as a kid…

    • Evee

      Onset of schizophrenia before your 20's is extremely extremely rare. Also these statements are not indicative of mental issues, merely creative play which is an essential part of development.

      • Amy Pond

        I’m with you that the kid probably doesn’t have schitzophrenia, but actually most cases of the disease show up in teenagers.

  • Bliss

    Some of the people in the comment section have been oversmart jackasses,please don't give them much thought.Such a lovely kid.It was a great idea collecting his words.God bless you both.

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