Things My Five-Year Old Has Said, Which I Have Quoted on Twitter

Eli is my five-year old son. He has an older brother, Slade. Slade writes fiction and spends a substantial amount of time on FlipNotes, so he rarely says anything worth quoting. Eli, on the other hand, has unknown goals and will say things that I feel other people could relate to, so I occasionally quote him via Twitter and once on Autostraddle.

Below is a collection of most of the quotes from my Twitter feed that I could find in one hour, in chronological order.

3.4

LANEIA! Hot lava is on your head JUST KIDDING!

3.18

Eli: Guess what I’m gonna put on my peanut butter and jelly!
me: “What?” Eli: “Jelly and peanut butter.”

3.25

I just scared myself half-alive!

3.28

I’m going to give Slade this fortune cookie present. It’s from CHINA!

3/28

Eli: NO I’M NOT DEAD. NO!
Slade: Laneia he’s not dead, even though I’ve stabbed him repeatedly.

3/30

You call these things ‘junk food,’ right? I call these ‘delicious.’

3/30

Eli: I’m glad it’s Tuesday! Tuesday is Target day!
me: Who told you that?
Eli: I told myself.

4/7

This is a good song!! I can’t even smell my fingers!!

4/17

If you loved me then you should’ve put some cheese on it.

4/18

I tried to jump and change but my heart got smaller and I died but I came alive again and everything stopped.

4/19

The sky is falling! The EARTH is falling. The earth is US. It’s just falling in space. We will say ‘oof!’ We are all just falling.

4/20

You’re a smart, strong person — now COME ON and give me a granola bar!

4/21

Eli, wand in hand: Laneia I just need to get some Polygrip for my dentures. Oh there’s some.
[grabs bottle of nail polish remover]

4/22

Eli: Ok so now I have your hula hoop and I’m ready. I’m ready.”
me: “Ready for what?” Eli: [blank stare]

4/23

There are no funny parts. There are no real parts. – Eli on Avatar

4/23

Well if there was a knife machine that cut your legs, you could find cookies in your bones.

5/11

Laneia! I found a starfish in the bathtub! No, wait. It’s just my hand.

5/17

Laneia, I’m going to EAT YOU! I mean, if you were tiny and in my applesauce.

5/21

It doesn’t matter that she can’t fly. What I’m trying to say is, it’s a nice Jell-o hat.

5/29

Bongo drums are amazing. Like, where do they come from?

6/5

Slade can make everything magic. He could put things into my ear, and take things out of my ear! Everything could be magic.

7/30

If you stare at me, I’ll love you.

7/31

Eli: “Guess what.” me: “What.” Eli: “Justin Bieber.”

8/11

“A man is just a boy.”

8/18

me: “I am SO TIRED.” Eli: “AND BROKE.”

8/20

Eli: “My butt pocket!” me: “What about it?” Eli: “What about what?” me: “Your butt pocket” Eli: “…maybe just don’t worry about that.”

8/30

“This is not about tasting amazing. This is about fried chicken cake.”

9/3

“The green and the red one wanted to die. So I killed them.” – Eli re: sprinkles

9/17

“All of us are just characters. Characters. That’s all. I need [specific toy] – I mean, I need what I’ve got. I can’t find it.”

9/18

Eli: “I was only being scartastic. Startastic. Sartac–” me: “Sarcastic.” Eli: “Whatever. Let’s just have a tea party.”

9/21

“Do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?”

9/28

“It will be funnier if you hit yourself in the head with a hard taco, because all of the stuff will come out. A soft taco is not as funny.”

10/2

me: “Your shirt is on backwards” Eli: “That’s because I unfronted it.” me: “Why did you do that?” Eli: “This is more real.”

10/5

me: “You smell like a puppy.” Eli: “Thank you.”

10/8

“Look, a penis and a butt are just different.”

10/22

“[Teacher] was reading a Spongebob book and she said SITUATION. Laneia! She said it FOR REAL. I laughed so hard.”

10/22

“If you were a breadman made out of bread, and you got butter on yourself, that would be OK.”