Trigger warning: suicide, suicidal ideation
When I was 13-14 years old, I was done.
I was done with the life that I was living.
I was done with the way people were treating me.
I was done with being bullied.
I was done with not being good enough.
I was done with feeling alone.
I was just done.
I didn’t want to be here anymore.
By that, I mean that I wanted to leave this world for good.
I remember emailing my dad telling him that I was done and that I was going to leave this world.
And the next morning, he called me and we both cried over the phone.
That made me a bit unsure about my decision, but even then, I remember still wanting to go through with my plan.
Of course, as I was only 13, I didn’t exactly know what pills I needed to take in order to die, so I simply took everything that I could find.
Long story short, I did not proceed to end my life.
And I actually mean it. THANK GOD for not allowing me to go through with my plan.
You see, I’ve only recently found God, but the thing with finally finding Him is that you realize that He was actually always there.
He was there, but I simply couldn’t see Him.
Growing up, I felt under pressure.
I was pressured to do more.
I was pressured to be more.
I was bullied.
I felt like I was not good enough.
I felt alone.
I felt unloved.
I felt like whatever I did, it didn’t matter.
Well, I’m here to tell you that it might not have mattered to people, but to God, everything that I did mattered.
Before recently finding Jesus at the age of 23, I have had thoughts like:
“If I just leave, will anyone even care?”
“If I die, will it matter?”
“Would people even notice if I were gone?”
I am writing this to you right now because the answer to those questions is: “YES!”
It might not seem like it, but the world will miss you tremendously if you decide to take your life.
Even if you might not think that this is true, there is no doubt that your friends and family will miss you if you end your life.
Not only that, but all the people who don’t know you yet will miss you too.
You might be thinking, “Well, they don’t know me yet, so why on earth would they miss someone that they don’t know?”
The truth is, you were put on this earth for a purpose.
There is something that only you can bring to our world.
There is a gift that God has given you and only you.
If you don’t step into your purpose or if you choose to end your purpose before it even starts, some people will miss out on what you were carrying.
There are places that you are supposed to go.
There are things that you are supposed to do.
And there are people that you are supposed to meet.
I came to that realization only recently as I was doing a “21 days of praying and feasting” bible plan with my church.
During those first days, God brought me back to that time when I was so desperate that I wanted to end my life.
Needless to say, I’ve been crying a lot lately.
But the thing is that God didn’t bring me back there so I could be ashamed of myself; He brought me back to that time so that I could have that realization that if I had gone through with my plans, I wouldn’t be here writing to you and doing all the things that I am doing today.
Not only am I now a writer, but I am also a youth leader at my church, and I have the incredible honor of helping teenagers that feel the way that I did when I was their age and guiding them to God.
I have had the privilege of not only meeting the incredible leaders of our next generation, but I have had the privilege of talking to them, praying for them, and helping them become who God has created them to be.
There is a saying that goes like this: “Be the person you needed when you were young.”
I am proud to say that I have become that person.
I am not the teenager who was crying out for help anymore. I have now become the one who comes to help.
And all that wouldn’t have happened if I had gone through with my plans.
This wouldn’t have happened if it wasn’t for God having a bigger plan for me than what I had for myself.
“‘For I know the plans I have for you,’ declares the Lord , ‘plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.’” — Jeremiah 29:11 (NIV)
So I guess all I’m trying to tell you is that God has a plan for you.
God sees you.
And not just that, but He also has a specific purpose for you.
People might not be aware of that plan.
People might not see you as someone that can make a change.
Not only will God change your life, but He will also use you to make a change.
So hang in there!
God sees you.
“You did not choose me, but I chose you” — John 15:16 (NIV)
He is running to you.
“So he got up and went to his father. “But while he was still a long way off, his father saw him and was filled with compassion for him; he ran to his son, threw his arms around him and kissed him.” — Luke 15:20 (NIV)
He hears your cries.
“I cried out to him with my mouth; his praise was on my tongue. If I had cherished sin in my heart, the Lord would not have listened; but God has surely listened and has heard my prayer. Praise be to God, who has not rejected my prayer or withheld his love from me!” — Psalms 66:17–20 (NIV)
And He is going to use you to shine a light in this dark world.
“You are the light of the world. A town built on a hill cannot be hidden. Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl. Instead they put it on its stand, and it gives light to everyone in the house. In the same way, let your light shine before others, that they may see your good deeds and glorify your Father in heaven.” — Matthew 5:14–16 (NIV)
So, if you think that the world would be better off without you, think again!
We need you.
God needs you.
So don’t let your light die.