I can’t wait around for you anymore.
Even as I say it, it feels like a lie. It feels like a lie because of how long I actually have waited around. How long I have made excuses to leave the door unlocked, or better yet, keep my foot wedged in the doorway just so you could always come back.
I’ve done my best to make it so easy for you to come back.
I’ve always tried to present myself and what I could offer as the most available and reliable option you would ever need. Over the years, we’ve grown to know each other, and we’ve learned each other’s pain and deepest fears. We’ve shared our secrets and laid ourselves out bare in front of the other. It never seemed difficult to be open or vulnerable when I was around you- it felt as though you were able to effortlessly pull it out of me. You created every kind of reckless feeling I’ve ever experienced, and I didn’t mind at all. When you have someone who makes you feel that way, you never want them to leave. You want that feeling always to be present until you can’t help but cave into it.
Yet, you’ve always seemed to walk away before either of us could entirely do that.
You’ve had your reasons, I know. You have things you’ve needed to work through. Tragedies I don’t know the name of. Stories you have felt you can’t tell me. Even though I would love nothing more than to be the shoulder you lean on, I understand that I don’t get to make the choice in what you need- that’s up to you. I also know you’ve never meant to hurt me, not really. I believe you when you say you’ve never expected to cause confusion or pain on my part when you would vanish without a trace.
You should know that doesn’t change the fact that there has been confusion. There has been pain. There have been a million “what ifs” and “maybe I should haves” rattling around my brain. Knowing that your life doesn’t revolve around me and that I shouldn’t presume it should, but still wondering why you always find it so necessary to push me away. Why someone who honestly believes she could love you so much is so unfortunate to you that you feel the need to keep yourself guarded and hidden.
I think when it’s all said and done, I’ve just wanted you to want me. I’ve wanted you to bang on that fictional door separating us and say, “I’m sorry it’s taken so long, but it’s you. It’s always been you. I know that now.”
And I’ve held on for weeks, months, even years, waiting for that day. Thinking if I just hold out a little longer, all of our history won’t have to be a memory that I recall from time to time- but could be the beginning of the rest of our story that hasn’t been written yet. I invest myself in the people I care for, and I hate the idea that everything we’ve been through is something I have to let go of.
It’s become clear now that I do have to let us go now, though. Not because I want to. Not because suddenly every feeling I’ve ever had about you has been erased. But because the pain has become too much to carry anymore. And there’s absolutely no hope that you’ll ever come back to relieve me of it.
You should know, I understand you don’t owe me anything. I know that holding you to any kind of expectation that I created in my head is my fault. I know that you aren’t required to explain yourself, or to force yourself to tell me your reasons, despite how much I would like you to. I understand that part of this involves my own insecurities of being unworthy and replaced with something better, which is something that existed before I ever let you, and something I’ll have to wrestle with each day. I understand you’re not responsible for fixing my problems or making my dreams a reality. I understand that as much as I’ve wanted this, that doesn’t give me the right to expect you to be part of this story. Not when you don’t want to. Not when you’ve convinced yourself, for whatever reason, that you just can’t be.
I miss you, and you need to know that. I think there will always be a part of me that does. But I can’t wait for you anymore. I can’t pretend that I’m doing anything to help myself here. You may not owe me anything, but I owe it to myself to realize when I’m being patient and when I’m just clinging to a hopeless dream. I owe it to myself to let my heart open itself towards someone who does want to be part of my story- someone who won’t run when things get hard but will run to me so we can work through things together.
I know that from time to time, you’ll still think of me. I like to think my memory is tucked away inside your mind somewhere. It’s the one small hope I will even allow myself to hold onto. I’ll still miss you from time to time, wishing that things could have turned out differently. Wishing we had found a way back to each other instead of ways to fall apart. Yet now, I have to stop making up excuses on why you haven’t tried to fight for me. Why we aren’t together when we could be. I have to close the door now. I can’t keep reaching out and feeling the sting of rejection when I don’t hear back from you. I can’t keep going online and feeling that tiny flutter of hope when you like a picture I’ve posted, despite that I won’t hear a word from you otherwise. I can’t keep hoping that if I say the right thing or create the right circumstance that we will fall back together again. I have to walk away because it just hurts too much. It breaks my heart in a way that doesn’t feel fair, especially when we weren’t even given a chance to fall in love with each other.
So please, know that I miss you. Know that I don’t regret any memory we’ve made, but I have to give my heart a chance to heal itself and make room for someone who truly wants to be with me the way it longs for.
And I can’t wait around anymore, hoping that someone is you.