I wonder if you could see the person I am now, I wonder if it would matter to you.
I wonder if it would matter if you knew you are part of the reason I am what I am today.
If I’m honest, part of me hates to give you much credit. I was the one who built myself up after I hit the lowest places I thought possible. I’ve been the one working myself past my own limits to become a better version of myself, one that does things that seemed simply insane before. I’ve been the one who has poured into myself and become someone capable of incredible things.
Yet you still played a part in it, because you were part of the reason I was motivated to do so in the first place.
It hurts to lose someone who you considered the love of your life. It’s hard to come to terms and accept the idea that a person who you honestly believed you were spending forever with is not even involved in your life, besides maybe a passing reference every once in awhile. It doesn’t seem right, and honestly it sticks with you long after you feel like it should’ve passed. Yet whether we like it or not, those people stick with us. They played crucial parts in our lives and showed us the best and worst parts of ourselves.
When someone like that walks out of our lives, for whatever reason, we tend to reexamine ourselves and wonder what we could do better…and if we decide to, we work on those things.
We recall how we used to be so dependent on another person to complete us, and we learn to be whole on our own. Maybe we weren’t as thoughtful as we should’ve been, maybe we said statements carelessly, maybe we didn’t follow through on our promises the way we intended to. Maybe we weren’t motivated to strive to be better, maybe we were passive on things that we should have confronted head-on.
So we go out into the world, and we build again. We remember our flaws and our faults, and we start trying to correct them, not in a way that is trying to impress other people, but in such a way that we become someone we are proud of ourselves.
I know I’m not the same person I was a few years ago. There are times where I’ve wondered, if I sat down with you and we had a conversation, if you saw the person I was now, what would you think? Would you have wished you had stuck around to see this thing through? Would you regret not taking more of a chance or fighting harder to stay with me? Would you honestly be proud of the kind of person I am now? Because honestly, even though it doesn’t make or break who I am anymore, I think you would be.
I think you honestly wouldn’t recognize the person in front of you anymore, though.
And the kind of person I am now? It thanks you for playing the role you did. For motivating me, for giving that final push to start on this path, because without that kind of shove that felt like rejection- that felt like absolute chaos on my heart and everything I was- I wouldn’t have taken a look at myself and tried to be better.
And the kind of person I am now is able to thank you for that.