In the simplest form, attachment is the way that our brain evolves to feel safe. It’s almost like having a filter through which we experience the world. Basically, we are social species and the way we feel safe is through other people. One of the most effective ways of regulating our emotions when we are in distress is to be in proximity to someone that we’re securely attached to.
How you and your partner fight directly influences how emotionally connected and passionate your relationship is.
Since we care about them, we try to help minimize their feelings because we know that they are difficult, but sympathizing can be damaging despite positive intentions. Empathy is the willingness to feel with your partner. To understand their inner world.
Long-lasting love requires courage. The courage to be vulnerable and to listen non-defensively, even in the heat of conflict. Especially when we are hurt and angry.
As adults, we crave to be seen in our rawness. To courageously allow another into our inner emotional world. But being vulnerable is no easy task. It’s much easier to blame or attack our partners for the problems in our relationship, rather than express how we are feeling.
Vulnerability is courageous. It’s a willingness to drop your shield and expose the unguarded underbelly of your fears, doubts, and insecurities.
He didn’t need to problem solve or fix her. He just needed to understand that she wanted to feel less alone. Emotions are as natural as breathing. They’re fleeting and messy and awful and wonderful, and they are all part of being human.
Here’s how you gain a new perspective on what is going on and build a bridge to understanding each other better.
What’s really interesting is that while people use bottling and brooding with good intentions, we know from the research that it tends not to work. When people bottle, they are pushing aside their emotions, and their partner can often feel that they aren’t present—that they aren’t being authentic or vulnerable in the relationship.
Love is not built on the big vacations or expensive gifts.