Aries (March 21st – April 19th)
Hilarious that he jokes about you PMSing when he’s got the biggest mood swings of ALL. TIME. He gets so mad at trivial things and blames you for stuff that’s not your fault. He’s a whiny manbaby.
Taurus (April 20th – May 20th)
He’s very closed off 99% of the time, but when he gets angry his temper is next level. It’s a little scary actually. He refuses to ever see a therapist or talk through his problems, so he bottles them up and explodes. If anyone could use a dose of self-help, it’s your Taurus ex.
Gemini (May 21st – June 20th)
He’s hot and cold, in one day, out the next. He’s kind of a psycho with how quickly he changes his mind. He treats people like they are disposable. Karma will have the last laugh on it though, don’t worry.
Cancer (June 21st – July 22nd)
He’s the biggest crybaby. Every little thing you say or do hurts his feelings. He’s so sensitive that being around him requires walking on eggshells for NO APPARENT REASON.
Leo (July 23rd – August 22nd)
He’s so vain, it’s laughable. He will literally stand in front of a mirror for several minutes admiring his own reflection. Gaston from Beauty and the Beast was a Leo, hands down.
Virgo (August 23rd – September 22nd)
He goes to comic book conventions…frequently…
Libra (September 23rd – October 22nd)
He’s always trying to fix situations instead of listening. He invalidates emotions in search of “fairness” or “hearing out the other side”. This weird need to always be a balancing act means he actually sucks at connecting with people. Funny how that works.
Scorpio (October 23rd – November 21st)
If you found out he had murdered someone, you wouldn’t be surprised. He’s cold blooded. He’ll sting you and feel zero remorse. Actual sociopath.
Sagittarius (November 22nd – December 21st )
He is a certified manwhore who cannot stay monogamous. He wants to put his penis in just about anything that moves. Anything.
Capricorn: (December 22nd – January 19th)
He’s not a loser, but he is the most boring human being you’ve ever met. There’s nothing exciting about him. He’s like a drone, just doing what he’s programmed to do day in and day out.
Aquarius: (January 20th – February 18th)
He locks himself in his room and spends HOURS playing video games. He probably has one of those creepy headsets so he can talk to other players too. It’s like, has he even moved from that one position all day? Seriously. It’s concerning. Does he take bathroom breaks? Is he eating food? When’s the last time he went outside?
Pisces (February 19th – March 20th)
He’s a struggling artist who thinks suffering is part of the process. He doesn’t believe in having a traditional job, which means he’s perpetually broke.