1. Removing long hairs that have somehow fallen down your back and gotten stuck in your butt. Especially in the shower.
2. Scratching your butt, especially after you’ve spent long periods of time sitting down.
3. Keeping your hands in your pants/underwear, not for any remotely sexual reason.
4. Having full-on serious conversations in the restroom with family or friends while relieving yourself. And then lying through your teeth if they ask where you are. But it just feels good to talk on the toilet seat.
5. Taking your bra off as soon as you get home and throwing it across the room. There is nothing like that bra-less feeling at the end of the day.
6. Taking your bra off and immediately scratching your bra marks for a good, solid minute or longer.
7. Inspecting your face in the mirror and pulling out random hairs, usually in the most unwelcome places like your chin or upper lip.
8. Having full blown-out conversations with yourself (while pretending it’s with another person) especially when you’re a.) mad at someone b.) have a crush on someone.
9. Having a crush on someone and not only stalking the living day lights out of their internet presence, but once that has been done, researching everything from their heritage to their music tastes, just so you can get acquainted with it all. And of course so you can impress them the next time you see them.
10. Stalking yourself on social media for long periods of time, just to see how other people perceive you online. Then making necessary changes even from posts from YEARS ago.
11. Looking for blackheads to pop, whether those babies are yours, your significant others’, your bff’s, a parent’s, etc. – the satisfaction of popping it is like no other.
12. When you’re by yourself, pretending you’re the star of some romcom and practicing laughing at some hot dude’s jokes. Or pretending you’re in a music video and going crazy on the dance moves in your living room.
13. When it’s your time of the month, and a sad song or cute ad comes on – or you’re just watching a romcom – and you start bawling your eyes out. Then you start thinking, “Why am I crying?” Which just makes you cry even more.
14. Eating entire family-sized meals by yourself when you’re PMSing. And feeling no shame about it whatsoever in the moment.
15. Standing in front of the mirror naked and doing some sexy poses, just so you know how they look when you try to practice them in front of people.
16. Standing in front of the mirror and grabbing onto your love handles just to see how your body would look without them. Right before you dive into a plate of cheese of course.
17. Obsessively searching for your one or two grey hairs. And you’re so rabid about the whole thing, it looks like you’re looking for a tick.
18. Going to second base with yourself by cupping your boobs, and not realizing what you’re doing until 30 seconds later when you’re like, “What’s going on? I am just watching TV by myself.”
19. The pleasure of plucking out your ingrown hair. You first pick out the skin over it, then you push the whole thing out and watch the pus ooze out.
20. Practicing your laugh and having full mirror conversations with yourself right before you go out. Just to make sure you’re every bit as cool as you think you are.
21. Sitting alone and tucking your belly pouch in your pants to look like you have less of a belly.
22. Hunching your shoulders over so your collarbone pops out, and running your hands along it so you feel all sexy and pensive.
23. When you have a crush on someone you picture making out with that person, and end up making out with a pillow or something.
24. Wearing sexy underwear for no good reason at all, just to check yourself out in the mirror. Or to go to sleep.
25. Practicing your smile/smize in the mirror numerous times until you feel you’ve got it right.
26. Studying every inch of your body naked in the mirror to find the angles no one can ever see you from.
27. Deconstructing every aspect of the food as you’re eating it, so you can enjoy it in a very specific order.
28. Pretending you’re in some sort of photo shoot, and going all out on sexy/corny model poses in front of your full-length mirror.
29. Practicing sexy things to do on dates, such as jutting your collarbone out and running a finger along the rim of a glass.
30. Inspecting your butt in the mirror while you’re naked, just to be aware of how good it looks or how many more squats you need to do before it looks how you want it to.
31. Stealing a guy’s sweater and spending an entire day just smelling it/breathing it in.