1. You get irrationally angry at any sort of PDA. Even innocent hand-holding sends you into a fit of rage.
2. Going on Facebook for longer than 90 seconds hurts your soul because you inevitably will run into couple-loving TMI, which makes you nauseated.
3. Additionally, 90% of the people you’ve “hidden” from your Facebook News Feed are couples newly engaged and/or newly married.
4. When someone you think is attractive tells you you’re attractive, you send a friend a variation of the following text: “X person just called me hott. Repeat: X person just called me hott. THIS IS NOT A DRILL. WHAT SHOULD I DO?”
5. Nobody texts you past 10 p.m. Like not even the booty call you usually turn down. No one. Zero. Nada.
6. Your parents, friends, colleagues, and classmates have stopped asking about your love life altogether. They all know the answer.
7. Every wedding invitation starts to feel like someone is making fun of you.
8. In fact, any invitation to anything that may require you to be in attendance with a plus one brings a special kind of mental anguish that can only be solved with pre-gaming before said event. (And if said event does not have an open-bar, you are NOT going. Or at least bringing a flask.)
9. Also, you’ve forgotten what it feels like to be hit on. “Why are you staring at me? Have I got something on my face? I need to go home and never leave my bed and Netflix ever again.”
10. You’ve developed a special relationship with a specific kind of alcoholic beverage. It may or may not be $6 at Trader Joe’s.
11. But also, Tequila is holding a special place in your heart these days. To you, it isn’t just liquor, it’s a way of life.
12. You’re either working out too much or have entirely given up on the gym. THESE ABS ARE FOR ME AND ME ALONE BABY! (Or this chub is for me and me alone baby!)
13. You passionately and regularly karaoke to “You Can’t Hurry Love” or “I Wanna Dance With Somebody” in the shower.
14. You go through extremities of being overdressed in the hope of finding someone at a dive bar; and looking like a creature that crawled out of the compost post of someone’s winter garden because well, no one to impress anyway.
15. Watching Rom-Coms feels like a form of cruel punishment. LIARS. LOVE DOES NOT HAPPEN TO EVERYONE OKAY? Can I get a movie about a single girl who dies in her apartment and gets eaten by rats?
16. Speaking of, you know that if anything were ever to happen to you, you would probably get eaten by rats before anyone found out. Or your mother would be the first to know.
17. You look forward to Internet quizzes about which hot celebrity you’re supposed to be with.
18. Rolling your eyes at any love song on the radio has become a reflex action.
19. You’ve started looking forward to the cat-calls from the homeless guys in your neighborhood. Attention is attention is attention.
20. A perfectly clean apartment has become a pipe dream. Whatever. No one apart from your non-judgmental friends will ever see it anyway.
21. People talk about going through “dry spells.” Your whole life feels like a dry spell.
22. Dating sites and apps that you swore you’d run over hot coals twice before using, are actually starting to sound appealing.
23. At this point, your standards have been reduced to, “Anyone with a pulse.”
24. Being called single doesn’t do you justice. “SAF” does. If you could fill out forms with “SAF,” you would. It’s perfect, it’s honest, and it is what it is. Now pass the tequila.