5 Songs For The The Perfect Slow Motion Entrance (And The Greatest Situation You’d Use Them In)

Sky Ferreira - Red Lips VEVO
Sky Ferreira – Red Lips VEVO

1. Colleen Green – “Deep Love”

The scene: You’re going to your ex’s wedding. He’s not just any ex, he’s THE ex, the one you thought you were going to spend forever with, at least when you two were walking the halls of your liberal Midwestern college campus together. Then somewhere around year two or three he broke down and cried to you at 3 in the morning that he’d been having an affair with the neighbor upstairs. Now they’re getting married and he wants you there at the wedding. You shrug. An open bar? Fine. You’re in. But not unless he gets to see you at your hottest. So you go to pilates and drink red wine and hang out with your dog until the night comes. You skip the wedding because fuck that so you head to the reception and you tell the DJ to put this song on for the exact moment when he comes in.

2. Sky Ferreira – “Red Lips”

The scene: You’re going back to your hometown for the holidays where you know you’ll inevitably run into your ex-best friend at the only town bar open on Christmas Eve. Last you heard, Tabitha got a boob job and started dating Luke, the football quarterback from high school turned insurance salesman. Big boobs and the quarterback? Cool story, Tabitha, but she hasn’t seen you since you graduated college, moved to the big city, and lost 20lbs from chain smoking and working 12 hours a day at your hipster writing job in Brooklyn. It’s cool. You’re going to arrive in your hometown in style. Red lips. Leather jacket. Just like the old days when you two used to rule the school. Except this time, you’re wayyyyy hotter.

3. Veruca Salt – “Volcano Girls”

The scene: You fucked Brad 2 weeks ago after a first date when you both got shitty drunk off of cheap beers but Brad hasn’t called you since and you know he’s going to be at the party tonight because your best friend said she saw he RSVP’d on the Facebook event invite. Normally, you wouldn’t care that much about some idiot who basically used your body to masturbate with, but you’re not going to be ignored by some granola head with a handle bar mustache who made you listen to him wax poetic about craft beer and Tolstoy for two hours. You want him to see you looking great, at least while you publicly degrade him. You and your best friend get ready then head to the party slightly buzzed and high off of percocets.

4.  Shampoo – “Don’t Call Me Babe”

The scene: It’s prime catcalling season and whatever high season you want to call it where gross dudes at the bar hit on you and try to buy you drinks then get pissed when you’re not interested. Yeah, you’ve just had a little bit too much of that lately and tonight you’re feeling a little feisty, a little angry, a lot like you’re not in the mood to put up with anyone’s shit.

5. IMPERIAL TEEN – “YOO HOO”

The scene: Your best friend just got dumped by Josh, an aspiring folk singer with a penchant for hemp ponchos and handmade soap that smells like patchouli. When you found out he dumped her your entire friend group was like, seriously?? helllll no. You know your girl deserves way better than this. You round up your crew and tell them you need to go out for a night to lift up her spirits. You know it’s cliche and slightly vomit inducing to walk into a place all Sex and the City like but whatever, this is your best friend, and if she’s going to find some ass tonight for a rebound you WILL put on your best face and be a good wing woman. TC mark

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