If you aren’t following Rob Delaney on Twitter you should be. Seriously, go do it right now. I’ll wait. Dude was the first comedian to win ‘funniest person Twitter’ in 2012 and his Twitter feed continues to prove just how hilarious he is. When you’re done reading his tweets you should check out his new show Catastrophe.
Cheap date idea: cut open a pack of hotdogs & squeeze the juice over your lover's body then summon a peregrine falcon with your mind.
— Rob Delaney (@robdelaney) August 3, 2013
If your response to calls for gun control is “Should we get rid of cars too?” the answer is, for you, yes. You should not have a gun or car.
— Rob Delaney (@robdelaney) December 14, 2012
Which Mumford is the dad?
— Rob Delaney (@robdelaney) February 7, 2013
I love gay people. Or as I sometimes call them, "people."
— Rob Delaney (@robdelaney) February 23, 2012
https://twitter.com/robdelaney/status/102532774136778752
As far as I’m concerned, the scariest thing to come out of the Muslim world is algebra.
— Rob Delaney (@robdelaney) April 18, 2013
If I were a woman, when I encountered sexism I’d be like “BRB, I’m gonna go *MAKE A HUMAN* IN MY BODY LIKE A MAGICAL GOD, YOU SAD OAF.”
— Rob Delaney (@robdelaney) August 9, 2012
Bye dad… pic.twitter.com/Q1aLj9w9Wp
— Rob Delaney (@robdelaney) February 23, 2015
.@Charmin my daughter was killed by a bear yesterday when she tried to offer it toilet paper you son of a bitch
— Rob Delaney (@robdelaney) August 3, 2012
ME WATCHING OLYMPIC EVENT: “Holy shit that was amazing!”
COMMENTATOR: “Ooh, that was not good at all. He must really be upset with himself.”— Rob Delaney (@robdelaney) July 31, 2012
If you specify you went to "Whole Foods" instead of "the grocery store," get the fuck away from me & my family.
— Rob Delaney (@robdelaney) January 10, 2014
What’s all the fuss about horse meat? Who gives a shit? I’ll eat a horse. I’ll eat your dog. I’ll eat your fucking family.
— Rob Delaney (@robdelaney) February 19, 2013
I'm so mad at these refs I'm gonna go to Foot Locker & shit on the floor!
— Rob Delaney (@robdelaney) September 25, 2012
Wifi at my uncle's funeral is a fucking joke.
— Rob Delaney (@robdelaney) August 9, 2014
Together we can slam dunk racism! pic.twitter.com/Q5ZKRHxIEY
— Rob Delaney (@robdelaney) June 15, 2014
THE HOBBIT IS 14 HuRS LONG DESPITE WHAT THE ADS SAY THEY WONT LET US LEAVE MY WIFE WETTED HERSELF WE’RE ALL CREYING DOORS LOCKED FROM OUTSID
— Rob Delaney (@robdelaney) December 14, 2012
"There's a lion."
"Sweet."
"A witch."
"I love it already."
"And a wardrobe."
"WELL SIGN ME UP MOTHERFUCKER."— Rob Delaney (@robdelaney) February 21, 2014