Give Me All Of The Beards

There are certain physical qualities we’re naturally attracted to. For some people it’s things like big arms, a great smile, or a nice ass. For myself, it’s beards. If you are a man with a beard I want to know you. Biblically.

There is something to be said about a man with a beard. Maybe it’s because I grew up on in Michigan where essentially every man looks like a sexy Paul Bunyan type between the months of November-April but dudes with beards are hot.

I know not all women agree with me. Some believe facial hair can ruin a perfectly good face and that can definitely be true in certain cases. Brad Pitt – what was he even thinking growing a homely beard like that in 2010? It was weird and confusing and I wanted it to go away immediately. I bet Angie was like, “Hi hon, can you not?” And I’m not even into Brad Pitt that much.

Other dudes though – Jon Hamm, Christian Bale, Chris Hemsworth, those are all my fave bearded babes. The only sin Joseph Gordon Levitt has ever committed is his inability to grow decent facial hair. That’s okay, though. Let us all take a moment of silence for those who simply are unable to achieve their full beard potential.

Sometimes beards make you do weird things, even crazy things. Last winter I went out for drinks with friends who said an old friend of theirs was in town from New York. When you live in a small town and someone’s “in town from New York” people make a big deal about it, like you’re supposed to hang onto their every word because they stood in line for 40 minutes to get a cronut once.

Anyway, this guy was pretty hot. His hair was chocolate brown, perfectly styled, and he was dressed as if he had just stepped out of Joseph Gordon Levitt’s closet. The best thing about him was his beard though. It was beautiful. He said he was on his way to San Francisco the next day. He was moving there, he said, and taking his incredible sex beard with him. Unfortunately, dude was married, but that didn’t stop me from Googling him half-drunkenly when I got home later.

You would think people would be more aware of what’s out there on their Google results. Maybe he was and just didn’t give a shit. Either way, it was bad. It was not good. It was….well, disappointing.

Apparently before dude moved to the big city he was in a small town slump and let his ex-girlfriend take tons of “artistic nude” photos of him. Sex beard? Gone. Perfectly styled hair? Crumpled atop his head.

Most of the photos were of him sleeping with his ass up in the air in what looked like an old pair of boxers. The other pics were of him standing in front of a kitchen sink naked with his beer belly hanging out. Did he even know these photos were taken? Was his ex-girlfriend blackmailing him or something?

I really wanted to send him a Facebook message and be like, “Babe?” but obviously I couldn’t because I barely knew him and I was being the ultimate creep master. When you find a great beard it’s amazing the sort of lengths you’ll put yourself through to admire it. Months later I ended up dating a guy with an even better, sexier beard if you can believe it.

Shout out to all the men out there who have successfully mastered the art of the beard. I commend you. Keep doing you, babes. May you and your beard live a long and healthy life.