Let’s talk about New Girl. I have some friends who still refuse to watch this show and their reasons always have to do with A: they hate sitcoms and B: they’re over Zooey Deschanel’s quirky ‘adorkable’ schtick. I get it. Man, do I get it. Sitcoms seemed about as relevant as the last Friends episode to me, even despite being a major fan of How I Met Your Mother’s early seasons. (I still hate-watch the show because after spending 10 years with a cast you have to see how it ends, even if the writing has become shitty and lazy). And Zooey Deschanel I felt ways about. She’s cute and 500 Days of Summer was an easy favorite (plus, Joseph Gordon Levitt-so dreamy) but I didn’t think I could stand watching her play the same damn character again.
What’s great about New Girl is that the jokes are executed in a variety of ways, they tell a wide range of stories, and the struggles the characters go through are pretty relatable in certain situations. Yes, Zooey Deschanel plays the same schtick but surprisingly, it somehow doesn’t get old. Yeah, she wears thick black frames without lenses, matching pajama sets, and owns many, many sundresses, but her character as Jessica Day is endearing, imperfect, and a lovable mess. Jessica Day aside, the other characters are what make the show for me. Nick is a grumpy mystery, Schmidt is endlessly entertaining with the best lines, and Winston is probably the most underrated character of the entire show.
New Girl is in the early stages of its third season and if you haven’t started watching yet there’s no better time than now, especially with the first two seasons streaming on Netflix. Let’s take a look at some of the most hilarious moments in the show thus far.
Winston: Are we gonna talk about it?
Schmidt: Talk about what, Winston?
Winston: The belt, Schmidt. Please explain the belt.
Schmidt: It’s after Labor Day. I’m wearing whales.
Schmidt: I don’t know what is allowed in the cold-hearted Republic of Nick Miller, but I do know how I feel. And I know how much you love cookies. And I saw it there behind the glass and thought, “Nick Miller. I’m gonna buy that, man.”
Nick: If I could give you that cookie back, I would. Nothing would make me happier than to throw it up, mash it into a cookie shape, and shove it down your throat.
Schmidt: You want to mama-bird me the cookie?
Nick: That’s now that I–
Schmidt: You want to mama-bird me the cookie. You’re not mama-birdin anybody anything!
Nick: It’s Schmidt we’re talking about here. After we saw the movie Titanic he started the Billy Zane Fan Club.
Nick: Look it up. They’re called the Zane-iacs.
Schmidt: What are you wearing?
Nick: What are you wearing!?
Schmidt: I’m dressed for my Booty Burn Boot Camp class. I know what you’re thinking. It’s not because I need it. I go to inspire others. Please take that thing off. You look like a homeless pencil.
Nick: Just update your resume, you ninny.
Jess: Did you just call me a ninny?
Nick: Yeah, I called you ninny, cause you’re acting like a ninny, you ninny!
Jess: Don’t call me a ninny, I’m PMSING!
Nick: Ah! Why would you…yucky! No, no, no. I don’t want to hear it.
Jess: It hurts. I feel like I’ve laid a million eggs and they’re all hatching. I feel like I want to murder someone and I also want soft pretzels.
Nick: You can’t separate your feelings from sex? So what? You’re a girl!
Jess: I deserve to have a shorty on the side!
Nick: Okay, a shorty is not…that’s the wrong use of “shorty.”
Jess: Two moons have passed since you started doing it?
Winston: Why do you start talking like a Native American when you get angry?
Jess: Two moons have passed!
Jess: I’ll raise the money myself! I’ll get a ragtag group of kids together; an orphan, a lost soul, a Jewish kid with a keyboard, a little slut who can dance, and one fatso!
Tanya: You already did that, Jess. It was the spring musical and it brought in literally 60 dollars.
Winston: Schmidt, I think I’m getting my period.
Winston: This is a real thing, okay? I looked it up on the internet. It’s called, uh, “sympathy PMS,” right? Now apparently this is an affliction that men suffer from all the time.
Schmidt: Right on.
Winston: I don’t know how it happened, man, but somehow I got on that woman’s cycle of menstruation…and I got that menstruation inside of me.
Schmidt: Winston! Men can’t get their periods! Where would they put the tampon?
Nick: You know so many “Spaceballs” quotes.
Jess: They jammed the radar with literal jam!
Jess: Oooh, scary movie. I hate scary movies. Why are we watching this?
Nick: We’re not watching this, Jess. We’re watching it.
Jess: So fun, hanging with the dudes, eating ice cream, watching scary movies. (deep voice) We’re not scared, we’re dudes.
Jess: You know what we should watch? Have you guys ever seen Fame? It’s about a group of dreamers with talent to spare, taking New York City by storm, one dance number at a time…the cafeteria…the street…
Winston: Check it out, Schmidt…I got you a clownfish.
Schmidt: I don’t want some janky freshwater bitch fish, Winston. I want a lionfish.
Schmidt: My friend there? He’s a makhil. That means lawyer.
Nick: I dropped out of kahil school.
Jess: Where are your nipples, man?
Schmidt: I’ll never tell.
Jess: Why do you smell so good?
Nick: I did laundry. I smell like a baby in a damn meadow.
Schmidt: Here’s another tip, don’t ask a guy out on a first date on the least sexy holiday in America.
Jess: What are the sexiest holidays in America?
Schmidt: The most sexy holidays are the 4th of July — Independence Day, obviously. Women’s History Month. Christmas.
Jess: You panicking?
CeCe: God, no. Babies wreck you, Jess. They literally eat your body.
Jess: I’m 30, I’m single, and I just started a new job. Tonight I used a bread roll to wipe butter off my face, and then I ate the bread roll, so I essentially used my face as a butter knife. I don’t think I’m ready to bring new life into this world, but…what if all that’s left are the weird eggs? And the evil eggs?
Cece: You have no evil eggs.
Jess: I can feel them. They’re turning. They watched their brothers and sisters die, and now they want to be birthed. I need to be fertilized. Fertilize me, Los Angeles!
Jess: I want to have sex with you. Sexy time for you, says me. You are a beautiful white man, Nick Miller.
Jess: Read all about it.
Jess: I’m Judy Garland.
Nick: Yeah, so it’s the pills. This is nonsense. Whoa! Jess, hey, hey, hey, no, no, no, no, no…Heck..no, no. Don’t do this right now.
Jess: I’m Judy Garland.
Nick: Hey, Judy, let’s get you to bed, doll.
Girl: I love sad guys and you seem sadder than most.
Nick:I think your plan sounds okay.
Girl: When you go home at night, do you look in the mirror and just think, “I am the worst”?
Nick: Actually, yes, I do.
Nick: Yeah, a lot of the times.
Girl: You hate yourself?
Nick: I definitely don’t like myself. It’s right on the line of hate.
Schmidt: What the hell is this?
Schmidt: Jess. God. I am so sorry you had to hear about it like this, but I mean, can we just take a moment to celebrate me? Schmidtty really did it this time. I mean, I’m having Indian every night.
Jess: No! No!
Jess: So, um…heads up, Paul’s coming tonight. And I just wanted to tell you that I’m gonna tap him like a maple tree. I’m gonna be searching for some syrups. I’m gonna be having sex with him.
Nick: Why are you tell us this?
Jess: ‘Cause I want to. I want to give you a heads up.
Schmidt: You nervous? You need tips?
Jess: No, I’m not nervous. Just, you know, I can drive stick.
Schmidt: Yeah, ‘cause it seems like you’re freaking out a little bit – with this whole activity.
Schmidt: No sig others.
Cece: Just say “significant others.”
Schmidt: Maybe you have that kind of time, but I’m on a tight sched.
Winston: Alright, everybody, stop! Wherever you are right now, just sit down! Okay, now, Saturday is a day for sleeping. And damn it, you not take that away from me! You..give her her scarf back! Finders keepers is not a thing. You…get out of my house!
Girl: Who are you?
Winston: Who am I? Who am I? Well, I am Theodore K. Mullins and Nick is my lover on the down low. Tell her, Nick. Tell her how it really does down in apartment 4D. Oh, great Negro spiritual, please come down and loose these chains on this woman! Flesh on flesh. When the lights are off, we are all the same.
Nick: Not true.
Winston: Dear lord, help me, Father! Get out of my house. Get out of my house! Get out of my house!
Schmidt: Would I have to put my legs in the stirrups?
Melissa: Why would you even ask that?
Schmidt: I’m asking more so out of curiosity than fear. Hashtag, excitement.
Winston: The phone?
Jess: I don’t know…looks like a meth-head sandwich to me!
Jess: When I hear all about Cece’s profession, like the dieting, it’s crazy. And the butt drinking…
Nick: Did you just say ‘butt drinking?’ You can’t say ‘butt drinking” and not explain what it is. That’s two of my four favorite things.
Old Nick: Can I tell you something?
Nick: Not really.
Old Nick: I’m you, from the future.
Nick: Well, that’s a first.
Schmidt: Honey, what happened to you in your life that made you like this?
Shot girl: I graduated from MIT then I got into a horrible accident where I lost half my brain.
Schmidt: There it is.
CeCe: Are you “White Fanging” me?
CeCe: White Fang? The only book you have on your Kindle. The book you wouldn’t stop talking about, and I said, “Would you please stop talking about White Fang” and then you said, “Someday, I’m gonna do that to somebody.”
Schmidt: You’re telling me you’re having a pre-menstrual something right now.
Schmidt: Okay. It’s like a character in a Judy Blume novel.
Jess: What’s next? What do we do?
Nick: I’m really fighting the urge to buy you a lobster dinner.
Winston: Schmidt, I could really go for some crack.
Schmidt: What? Crack cocaine?
Winston: I remember when I was a kid. Me, my mom, and her mom, and then her mom, and then of course her mom, and then my little cousin, Peanut, they’d all rush back to that flaming trash can where we’d sit around and harmonize and just…shoo-op. One of those nights I remember, well, we ran out of crack. I’d grab my scarf and I would run down to the liquor store where the thugs hang out, and I would try to get a good deal on some crack. Whoo! They never would give me a good price, man, but uh, I tell you what – there’s nothing like the…the feel of a fire, a fresh-baked cookie, and that sweet, sweet taste of crack in your lungs.
Schmidt: Okay. Okay…Winston, yeah. If that is something that you want to do…
Jess: I had the best sex of my life last night.
Nick: Oh, so that was you? I thought it was a couple of bums fighting.
Jess: It wasn’t. It was me. Having sex. I left my body, went up to Heaven, saw my grandparents, thought it was weird I saw my grandparents, came back down. I became a werewolf. I scared some teenagers. I came back into my body. Only thing is, he thinks my name is Katie and that I’m a dancer and/or something involving puppets.