The Courage To Say ‘I’m Happy For You’

You kiss me and pull me onto the bed. I hold you like I never want to let you go, and kiss you like I’ve never kissed anyone else. We haven’t been together for long, but all I want to do is learn to love you and give you everything you deserve.

Minutes later, you start to undress me and make your way on top of me. I want to tell you to slow down, but the look in your eyes makes me scared to. You’re so excited. But, you’re not holding or kissing me anymore. You’ve found comfort in a far less intimate place, satisfying only yourself. For the first time, your love seemed distant. I want to tell you to come closer, just like you were a few minutes before, but I’m afraid to say anything. I want you to have the time of your life.

Hours later, you seem surprised that I’m putting your needs before mine, and that I still want to be with you. I know, you’re not used to that. You say you want to please me. I tell you I am more than happy. Of course, I want to tell you I need to feel closer to you, but I’m too afraid to sound selfish. I’m holding back emotionally because having you in my arms still seems too good to be true.

Days later, out of the blue, you tell me it’s not going to work out between us. I fight back tears and encourage you talk about it. You say there’s no passion and you need some space. I want to tell you that you’re the one who chose to go to that passionless place, but I hold my tongue. Instead, I gently say “we can work it out, ” and caress your shoulders. You refuse, give me a kiss on the cheek and comfort me by saying we’ll meet up the following week to talk about it.

Weeks later, I still haven’t heard from you. I send you a friendly text and say it’s about time we meet up. You reply that you’re busy with work, birthdays and movie nights with your friends, but we’ll meet soon. I want to accuse you of lying, but of course, I like you too much to do so. I shakily type “No problem. Have fun. See you another time :)”

Months later, you finally greet me in a cafe with a friendly hello. You smile, brush your cheeks against mine and kiss the air. I hold back tears. I want to tell you how good you look, but I chicken out. Somewhere into the small talk I let slip that I still want you. You tell me that you don’t see yourself doing the relationship thing for awhile, but we should hang out as friends and see where it goes. I’m petrified to agree to be just friends. But, I say yes anyway. I hug you goodbye for a bit longer than I should, and watch you walk away in the opposite direction.

One year later, you post pictures of you and her. The truth comes out – you met her weeks after leaving me and have been with her since. You’re celebrating your one year anniversary together and you’ve bought a house in her hometown, 500 miles away. I want to say it’s not fair, but it’s even more unfair for me to get in the way of your happiness.

Now, there’s nothing left for me to do but sit here, 500 miles away from you, hoping that one day, the stars will align and allow us to cross paths again. And I pray, by that by that time, I’ll have the courage to smile to say “I’m happy for you.”