The Definition Of ‘First Date Hell’ For Each Zodiac Sign

Mari Lezhava


(March 21st to April 19th)

Getting trapped at a two-hour dinner with someone who isn’t passionate about anything, who complains about the menu because it doesn’t offer chicken fingers, and whose answer to your question of “What do you do for fun?” is a small shrug and something along the lines of “I watch TV.”


(April 20th to May 21st)

Someone who has their phone out throughout the entire date and is consistently texting on it, who informs you that a lot of their friendships have ended in altercations and that they were always the victim, and someone who tells you they don’t really have any vision of what they want in their life down the line and are kind of just ‘winging it.’


(May 22nd to June 21st)

A date that turns out to be a ‘group hang’ where all of your date’s friends are there and you are the odd one out, where you’re immediately thrown in the social deep end, and where you are instantly bombarded with questions about your life, your past relationships, and your intentions with this person.


(June 22nd to July 22nd)

Being on a date with someone who’s rude and abrasive with the waiter, who comes off as distant and aloof, and who makes a joke every time you ask a question that’s in any way personal or deep.


(July 23rd to August 22nd)

Someone who cuts you off every time you’re in the middle of speaking because it reminds them of a story of theirs that’s much more interesting, and feeling like your date only wants to talk about themselves and doesn’t care to learn anything about you.


(August 23rd to September 22nd)

Getting stuck on a date with someone who lacks any warmth whatsoever, who’s incredibly vague when it comes to articulating what exactly they’re looking for in terms of dating, and someone who makes you feel like they don’t want to be there with you due to lack of eye contact, paying more attention to their phone than to you, etc.


(September 23rd to October 22nd)

A date where you have to do all of the talking because the other person is incredibly standoffish, and a date where the other person only wants to hang out in quiet, controlled environments for a specifically planned amount of time because they are not down to do anything different or spontaneous.


(October 23rd to November 22nd)

Someone who seems intimidated or put off by your drive rather than interested in learning more about you, someone who doesn’t add anything to the conversation, and a date where there is absolutely zero spark but you’ve already committed to the full evening and don’t have a backup plan to get out of it.


(November 23rd to December 21st)

A date where the other person finds something to complain about with each part of the date – the drinks are too sugary and the bar is too cold and it’s too loud and they have to get up early and are you sure you don’t want to go to a different bar and how come there aren’t any drink specials right now and sure we can split the check but you ate more of the appetizer so are you cool with picking that up?


(December 22nd to January 20th)

Not being able to connect with them on a single topic, having them completely misunderstand your sense of humor, and finding out that they’ve been unemployed for a year and a half because they’re trying to find themselves.


(January 21st to February 18th)

Someone who is completely ignorant to any and all current events and world issues, someone who wants to tell you all about the drama going down in their friend group right now, and someone who interrupts you while you’re speaking to ask you to take a picture of them with their cocktail.


(February 19th to March 20th)

A person who’s cold to everyone you encounter on your date, who doesn’t seem to have a solid opinion on anything, and then who calls an uber to head home at the end of the night without even telling you or asking you if you’re okay to get home. Thought Catalog Logo Mark

About the author

Kim Quindlen

I’m a staff writer for Thought Catalog. I like comedy and improv. I live in Chicago. My Uber rating is just okay.

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