Aries: March 21st – April 19th
You are exhausting. Everybody likes to do fun things, but you take it to a whole new level. As in: hey honey, hanging out in the park today was fun, but also now let’s go see a movie and then go drink six beers and then ride a roller coaster and then paint our house and then participate in a flash mob. You certainly keep them young, but you also keep them v tired.
Taurus: April 20th – May 20th
You’re what would happen if Danny Tanner had offspring with Anna Faris’s crazy character from Just Friends. You’re emotional and you always wanna talk about #feelings, but you can also jump from secure to JEALOUS to calm again, all in under half a second. Your significant other can never tell if something is going to make you weep with joy or scream with fury.
Gemini: May 21st – June 20th
You’re a wild card in every sense of the word. This can make dating you really fun, but it can also make dating you the worst. Sometimes you’ll greet them after work with an affectionate hug and a silly and infectious mood, and sometimes you burst through the door claiming that you are a giant mess, your life is in the toilet, and you’re on the verge of quitting your job and opening an Etsy store even though you don’t make anything.
Cancer: June 21st – July 22nd
You let nothing go – literally nothing. Your mind is like this insane vault of every single memory that has ever occurred in your relationship, and these memories include both the great experiences and the awful experiences. You could be in an argument about whose turn it is to do the dishes, and you’ll back up your case by saying that they owe you for the time you picked up Gatorade for them on July 21st, 2014.
Leo: July 23rd – August 22nd
Giving you a compliment is a dangerous game, because it’s never followed by a simple “thanks!” or an “aw, that’s nice.” Instead, it instigates a full week-long investigation into what EXACTLY they meant by that compliment. Do you only like my new haircut because you HATED AND DESPISED the last one? By praising me for going to the gym, are you saying that I used to be FAT AND UGLY?! Whenever they want to throw a nice comment your way, they have to think heavily about the consequences.
Virgo: August 23rd – September 22nd
Managing the part of your brain that comes up with endless what if’s and insanely complicated future situations is a full-time job. Wherever you are together – on a road trip, at a wedding, eating at a restaurant, on a plane, sitting on the couch – they have to consistently reassure you that everything is going to be fine. No, you’re not going to suddenly develop a deadly allergic reaction to the fish you’re trying at this restaurant. No, the plane is not going to somehow run out of gas mid-flight. No, you’re not going to permanently damage your back if you sit on the couch for too long. They try to always stay one step ahead of you, but sometimes your brain creates hypothetical terrors and catastrophes before they can stop it.
Libra: September 23rd – October 22nd
You can’t make up your mind about anything. Every time you make any plans, even just walking down the street for a drink, it becomes a 26-step process. Should we invite anyone else? Well won’t Marc get mad if we invite Julia and Karl but not him? This Yelp review says the cocktails are delicious but only gave it 3.5 stars – how can we trust them? Most of the time, it gets to the point where you wear them out before it’s time to even do anything.
Scorpio: October 23rd – November 21st
Dating you means having to strike the perfect balance between not inflating your already-large head while also not damaging your particularly sensitive ego. One moment they’re shooting you a warning look during your friend’s party because you’ve been talking about yourself for 24 minutes, and the next moment they’re having to reassure you that, no, you didn’t ruin the night, and yes, you are still very well liked.
Sagittarius: November 22nd – December 21st
You have endless energy and endless ideas, and then you never finish a damn thing. There’s a bag of clothes sitting in the foyer that you’ve been meaning to drop off at Goodwill for seven months, your ‘decluttering the home’ Saturday’s usually end around noon because you get distracted with six other things, you never fully finish doing the dishes, and you are notoriously good at making to-do lists and notoriously bad at actually doing them.
Capricorn: December 22nd – January 19th
It’s impossible to do something or organize something without you pointing out all the reasons why it’s a bad idea or why it won’t work. Let’s plan a trip to a vineyard! Umm, I get really bad wine headaches though. Want to go to the grocery store together? Hmm, Sunday’s are usually crowded, so you should take this shift and I’ll do the next one. Let’s go on a walk! But like, my foot hurts. Use that foot to kick yourself in the face because you are exhausting.
Aquarius: January 20th – February 18th
Dude, it’s okay to admit when you’re excited about stuff. There’s no need to be ‘chill’ and ‘unfazed’ all the time. If you secretly want to see that really bad movie with your girlfriend, go freaking see it and don’t act annoyed the whole time even though you’re having a blast. If your boyfriend asks if you want to take a cooking class together and you DEFINITELY DO but you feel like showing too much enthusiasm blows your cover, GET OVER YOURSELF. Nobody actually likes a ‘cool person.’ They’re annoying.
Pisces: February 19th – March 20th
Make your own damn decisions and stop asking everyone else for approval before doing so. Your significant other has probably heard the phrase “Do you think it’s a good idea if…” more times while dating you than in the entire span of their life so far. Having to constantly reassure you that you can make your own choices and be your own person and still be loved by people gets really, really tiring. By all means, ask for advice, but for the love of everything, stop asking for permission.