16 Things Only Women With Zero Maternal Instinct Understand

Baby Mama
Baby Mama

Having no maternal instinct doesn’t necessarily mean you don’t want kids somewhere down the line. It just means that, at least for right now, kids are (understandably) terrifying to you. So here’s to all the women out there who feel like they haven’t quite developed that nurturing capability quite yet.

1. Baby talk is not your thing. On the contrary, you just talk to kids like they’re tiny adults. It would not be abnormal for you to get into a heated debate about the election with a couple of 6-year-olds.

2. All you remember about Tamagotchis is that yours was always dying.

3. You have no clue how to hold a baby. If someone was ever stupid enough to place a baby in your arms, you just remained as still as a statue and asked “Am I doing it right?” over and over again until they were smart enough to remove the child from your grasp.

4. Now, you know to say no right away. If someone asks you if you’d like to hold their child, you just say “I’m okay, thanks,” as if they were offering you a beer.

5. Same goes for babysitting. No amount of money could convince you to spend several hours being fully responsible for a small child’s life. In your eyes, you’re doing the kid’s parents a favor by not offering to babysit.

6. If you ever have somehow ended up as babysitter for the night, you’ve actually asked the kids what was for dinner, as if they were the ones in charge.

7. You are way more comfortable with kittens and puppies than you are with infants. Hell, you’d even take a baby hedgehog over a small human.

8. …Because whenever you’re in the presence of an infant, you’re just convinced something will go wrong. Even the smallest spittle will lead to you screaming “Is it okay?!”

9. You cringe at terms like “placenta” or “birth canal.” Or “child.”

10. You can look at a baby and have no clue if it’s eighteen months or two weeks old. You pretty much think of all children as the same until they’re about ten.

11. When women tell you the pain of childbirth is so worth it, you’re like Is it, though?

12. You were never the nurturing friend in college, holding someone’s hair back while they stood over the toilet vomming. Usually, you were in the adjacent stall cursing Burnett’s vodka.

13. Regardless of what you’ve been told, you still picture babies emerging all clean and beautiful during birth, like the way they did on 90s sitcoms, as opposed to the actual gory reality.

14. You have a horrible habit of interacting with toddlers the way you would with a puppy – whistling to them, offering them treats in exchange for their friendship, etc.

15. You’re pretty sure no child is actually cute when it’s first born. But you have mastered the art of saying “So cute!!!” genuinely – because what else are you supposed to do for those first couple weeks when all babies look like aliens?

16. You’ve stopped caring when people ask “So when is it going to be your turn?!” Because you screaming “What do I do??” when someone tries to hand you a baby is answer enough. TC mark

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  • http://jdawgswords.wordpress.com jdawgswords

    lol…i wish i could have a baby…1st, i’d be filthy rich…

  • http://voluptuouscara.wordpress.com Cara

    I was not the nurturing friend in college…when someone vomitted, I would say “not on my shoes, handbag, or clothes” because I was an awful human being. I di NOT want to be in the room when my niece was born, but my sister kicked her husband out of there (well, technically, she told him she wanted a divorce and/or to murder him) and everyone else was too afraid of her to go in there and somehow I ended up in there (I don’t know how or why) and yeah, there I was when my niece came out of my sister and it was……..well, I won’t lie, it wasn’t pretty. It was a premiere holy shit moment in life, complete with screaming, cursing, bleeding, a doctor telling my sister to push and my sister shooting back “I’m tired, YOU PUSH”. And then a small creature came out, or rather a small creature had to be removed (they don’t use the foreceps anymore, they use a vacuum thingie) and that small creature, once they cleaned it off, turned out to be my niece. I didn’t want to hold my niece, because I was pretty sure I’d do it wrong. But what happened was she was passed from person to person (after she was cleaned off and people were allowed to hold her) like a football, and I had a turn like everybody else. Turns out I had nothing to worry about. My mother showed me how to hold a baby, and my niece, possibly knowing I was an idiot, dug her tiny fingernails into the skin of my neck, as if to say “fuck you, you don’t get to drop me, let go, or anything else, I’m not going anywhere”.
    My niece is 4 now…and NO, I never dropped her (if I did, my sister would have murdered me) and I also have a 20 month old nephew. I speak to both of them as if they’re adults, I treat my niece as though she’s in charge (although, in her defense, she THINKS she IS in charge) and maybe I’m still not the most maternal or nurturing anything, but I’m not the awful human being I was in college.

  • http://indepthwoman.wordpress.com indepthwoman

    This was very humorous… and in a lot of ways true and not so true, lol… I’m a cancer and people are always telling me, I’m so nurturing and I am. I’m great with kids, but ask me if I want any now?? Uhmmm No!!! at least not yet, who knows I might adopt… but I was never that girl or woman, that thought about my dream wedding, when i was a baby i never even had dolls or toys, my mom when alive, gave me music, books, pen and paper, its the reason why I love to write. All my friends and family that played with dolls, wind up dropping out of HS and having babies early and meeting the wrong men. My father tried to get me to play with a doll when i was 5 and i didn’t want to, and he cursed me out. my sisters played with their. He never bought me anything again, he tried to get me to see that I was going to be a mother and cook and clean. Just like he trapped my mom at 18.

    But anyway, all my friends that have kids, keep asking me when is it my turn, and I’m like its not, they can’t do why they want to do with their lives, everything revolves around the kids and thier S.O. and I’m not about to change my life for the next 18-21 years. Raising kids is no joke and its hard work. And I’m tired of women that have kids, telling women that don’t that they are selfish and self absorbed and that it will be worth it. Some of them, they look like they want to pull their hair our and scream. I feel like I’m the last of the mohicans, LOL…they keep saying, well don’t get pregnant, well ya know what?? Thats not going to be a problem here, because I’m celibate, LOL.. so I don’t have to worry about that.

    They all had kids because they are like, ok, I’m in my 20s, I mind as well start now before I get old. and because they are like this is what women are suppose to do. Not all women have kids in their 20s and early 30s, I’m not getting pregnant out of fear and having a kid with just any ol guy like my friends did. I read an article that this girl had a baby with some random dude because her parents and grandparents kept pressuring her and every else around her was having kids, getting engaged and married and she felt left out.

    You can’t have a baby to be part of a club or because you feel left out and you don’t even have your life together and you’re still living at home. And just because your mom and grandparents want grandchildren, thats no reason to have a family. Although she loved the child, she’s not even with the chid father, she got pregnant on purpose. I tend to talk to kids like they are adults because I was spoken to like an adult but thats only to let a child know that, whatever tactics they are trying to use, to get their way, is not going to work on me, I’m not your momma, that s**t is not going to fly with me, lol.

    When I hear other peoples kids tell tell their mother they are not going to do something, like eat their veggies or clean, I’m like oh really, they do when they are around me…I give them a choice, and play mind games with them, make them think they thought of it, lol. like ok, listen broccoli or carrots, pick one and then we can go to park but we’re not going until you pick on or ask them, which one do they like best. Or you can always juice it with an apple and make them drink it and disguise it, LOL…

    I know one day I will be a great mom, because I know me and I know what works and doesn’t. but people are always shocked because i don’t have kids because I’m so nurturing and i like to cook and clean people used to think my niece and nephew was my kids. But 18 years of my life, hmm I don’t know, maybe I will raise some pre made kids, LOL.

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  • http://thelifeofoneteenager.wordpress.com justsmile97

    enjoyed reading it and picturing some stuff :D

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