19 Things You Say At Brunch And What You Actually Mean

1. How long is the wait?: If I have to stand up for more than ten minutes I will fall over.

2. I’m starving: I haven’t eaten since the late-night pizza we ordered seven hours ago.

3. I feel pretty good right now actually: I’m in that frightening phase where you’re still a little drunk, but on the verge of starting your hangover.

4. I’m just a hot mess: My life is in shambles, but in a way that I find socially acceptable and brag-worthy.

5. Does this come with any sides?: I need bacon inside of me. Now.

6. What are you guys doing later?: Is there anyone who will be hungry enough to eat with me an hour after we’re finished with brunch?

7. Last night was everything: I’m too hungover to discuss all the amazing parts of last night in vivid detail, so I will just stick with “everything.”

8. Does anyone want to do the Bottomless Mimosas special?: If we’re not doing Bottomless Mimosas, I don’t know why I’m here.

9. Actually, I’m just going to stick with a Bloody Mary today: The amount of drinking I did last night was abhorrent, so in order to cure/punish myself, I’m going to drink a bunch of tomato juice and a splash of vodka.

10. What was last night though?: Someone please laugh with me so that I feel less pressured to start behaving like an adult.

11. Has anyone seen our sever?: If our food doesn’t come soon, I’m going to smack someone. I NEED to know where it is.

12. I need to go home at some point and get my shit together: When I get home I’m going to watch Netflix for six hours in a row.

13.I need to sign up for a gym membership: I’ll never sign up for a gym membership, but sometimes when I’m really full I tell myself that I will.

14. Are you going to finish that?: Give me your hash browns or I will cut you.

15. Matt and Jessica were cute last night: Matt and Jessica were slobbering all over each other and it was disgusting and I hate them but it’s too early in the morning to be blatantly throwing shade.

16. I literally died last night: I am very much alive, but the only way to describe my behavior at the bar last night is to imply that I died.

17. I’m starting to feel kinda crappy: The hangover of doom is upon me and I’m seriously debating whether or not I’m going to go vom in the restroom.’

18. I can’t: I’ve lost all faith in myself and in humanity. I actually, literally cannot.

19. I’m never drinking again: What bar are we going to tonight?