When seeking a partner, most people have pretty generic things that they’re looking for. They want a man to be handsome, smart, successful, funny, kind. But most qualities that people rattle off don’t go much deeper than that. For me, there’s something rare and unconventional I’m looking for in another person. A quality that I know will mean I truly found the right partner.
I want someone as dark as me. I know that sounds odd, but I want to be with someone who can understand what it’s like to be broken. I want someone who can connect with me and relate to me on a deeper level than most. I want them to know what it’s like to feel and endure pain. I want them to have experienced emotions on both ends of the spectrum: the most uplifting happiness and the most debilitating sadness. And most importantly, I want them to love the fucked up, ugly, dark parts of me as much as I love theirs.
I want someone who is deep and has layers and who sees that there is more to someone than how they act outwardly. I want them to be three-dimensional, to know what it’s like to truly and profoundly feel. I want them to know that although the most flawed, scarred people are complicated, they are also the most beautiful people there are.
I want them to understand that no one will ever have the capacity to love them as much as I do, in the way that I do. I want them to help me work my way through the labyrinth of depression without belittling it, without giving up hope that they’ll ever understand. I want them to have gone through it themselves, to need me to help them also. I want them to just get it without forcing me to find a way to put it into words. I don’t want them to wave it away, to dismiss how I am deep down on the inside. I want them to want to get to know that part of me. To kiss the fractures of my foundation, of my being.
My darkness makes me who I am. It makes me a deeper person than most. I can enjoy and appreciate things to the fullest extent. I can see all of the good in another person and love them with all of who I am. I’m not afraid to express myself, to voice my opinions, to show my emotions, as complex as they might be. My darkness makes me a passionate friend and an even more passionate partner.
I want this person to see it as what it is: a permanent, deep-rooted part of me, not something that can be fixed. I want them to see that having this darkness, this depression, this depth makes me who I am, the person they fell for, the person they love. Because if they can’t accept the darkness, they will never see the light.