What Not To Do In A Relationship

15 Things You Should Never Do In A Healthy Relationship

1. Stop putting in effort.

This is what usually happens when you get too comfortable with someone – you simply stop trying. You stop complimenting them and treating them like they’re someone special. You stop putting time and thought into birthdays, anniversaries, and romantic dates. You stop trying to impress them or make them feel good or show that you love them. Relationships take work, so even if just one person stops trying it will inevitably crash and burn.

2. Take shots at each other.

Have you ever watched House Hunters, or Love It or List It, or any other HGTV show that combines real estate and married couples? Because a lot of the time those couples are brutal to each other, but if you don’t really pay attention you’ll miss it. They take the worst digs at one another but since they’re laughing, observers take it as a harmless joke. They might tease how one settled for the other, or how they should’ve married rich, or one’s incapability to finish anything. They’re always belittling each other or insulting each other in a form of a joke. Taking shots at each other is a horrible thing to do in any form of a relationship. But you should never humiliate your significant other, whether it’s only the two of you or in front of people, just to put them down.

3. Lose your sense of self. 

In so many relationships, people lose who they are. They pick up their significant other’s tastes, hobbies, interests, style, everything. It’s great to be able to share what you love with someone you love, but it’s another thing to forget who you are as an individual. If you feel completely at a loss without the other, you’re in trouble. No matter how in love you may be with a person, you should still always have yourself and cherish your independence.

4. Cheat. 

Um, no explanation. This should be pretty obvious.

5. Forget about your friends.

We’ve all been there. You meet someone new and you enter the puppy love stage where you always want to see them, talk to them, or be talking about them. You forget about all of your other priorities and responsibilities because you’re so caught up with this one person. But you should never, ever forget about your friends. Your friends were there first. They stood by your side longer than this person, and there’s a good chance they’ll still be by your side long after they are gone. Always make time for the other important people in your life. Don’t be that person who breaks up with their boyfriend and then is suddenly always around. There should be a balance.

6. Compare them.

Even if you’ve been in relationships before, been in love before, fucked tons of people before, you should never compare the person right in front of you with anyone else. Don’t compare your girlfriend to some hot girl at the bar, or your boyfriend to the jacked guy at the gym. No one likes to feel like they’re in competition with someone they don’t even know. You’ll do nothing but make them feel bad about themselves and then they will resent you for it.

7. Forget about them.

We all get sidetracked, we all have friends and family we make time for, we all have jobs that demand our attention. We may be out at the bar with our significant other but spend majority of the time talking to other people. We might be out somewhere and forget to answer their text. But nothing hurts more in a relationship than being forgotten about, and worse, ignored. Don’t be completely unaware of their presence. It’ll only make them that much more touchy when it comes to you talking to other people. If you care about them, you shouldn’t be forgetting that they’re there.

8. Dismiss any problems.

Even worse is not taking problems seriously with your bf/gf. If they voice a concern, listen. Hear the issue from their point of view and try to come up together with a resolution. Don’t wave it away and wait for it to blow over, because it’ll never actually go away. In fact, those little problems that could’ve been addressed and nipped in the bud will just grow into a tangled, complicated mess.

9. Put everything/everyone else first.

When you love someone, that person is usually (and should be) a priority in your life. Just as you become an important priority in theirs. You expect the significance of one another to be reciprocated. But it can be hard watching this important person put other things in front of you. When they hear of something exciting, they call their best friend first. When they find a cool place to go out, they tell their brother. When a crazy story happens to them, they text it in their group chat. They choose their friend’s house party over your sister’s birthday party. You don’t want to just feel important, you want to know you’re important.

10. Snoop.

We all do it. We peak at their phone when it’s left open, we go through a mysterious drawer when they leave the room. But snooping can only lead to problems. Either you’ll get caught, or you’ll find something you don’t want to find. But one thing will always happen: you will come across something that you don’t understand so you misinterpret it, your imagination runs wild, and it turns into a fight that never should’ve happened.

11. Try to change who they are.

Either accept them or leave. That’s it. You should never try to turn someone into what they’re not just to fit the mold of your ideal mate. That doesn’t exist. So you just have to accept them or keep walking.

12. Desensitize yourself to them.

After a long time being with someone, this can easily happen. You aren’t as moved when they cry. You don’t feel bad calling them horrible names. You take shots below the belt during minor arguments. You don’t care if they find out something that will upset them. Your sensitivity for them and their feelings dissipates. And that will never work well in a relationship.

13. Bring up the past.

This is a major NO-NO in an argument. In a relationship, you should only be focusing on the present. No matter how brutal a fight might get, you should never bring up an event from the past. You have to leave it behind. If your boyfriend cheated on you, if your girlfriend did something fucked up that hurt you at one point, you have absolutely no right to bring it up again and use it as ammunition. You have to leave the past where it belongs. If you forgive them for something and you both decide to move on, that means no bringing it back up, no matter how well it might work in your favor at the moment.

14. Holding a grudge/keeping score.

Another thing similar to bringing up the past is holding grudges against each other. Someone in a couple might feel justified to do something immoral just because their boyfriend did something similar before. Or they’ll refuse to do something super special for their birthday just because the other didn’t do it for them this year. There is no such thing as keeping score in a relationship. You cannot base your actions and decisions on past occurrences.

15. Not support them.

You should always have your partner’s back, no matter what. You should never shoot down their dreams or goals, no matter how far-fetched they may be. You should always be there for them, even if they make a stupid decision, to help pick them up and dust them off after. You shouldn’t mock them for being wrong. You shouldn’t make them feel worse about failing. You should always be their rock, their unwavering support system, no matter what. Thought Catalog Logo Mark

Kelly Bishop is an avid reader and writer who hopes to one day work with these passions full-time. For now, she blogs for websites like Thought Catalog, Huffington Post, Elite Daily, and Talk Space.