Why do you still stick around when you know that he is abusive, manipulative, lying, boring, insensitive and selfish? Why do you still choose him when you don’t even love him anymore? You don’t even love him.
You still choose him because he chose you. That makes you feel better about yourself already.
But if he’s not good enough, he’s not the best that you can get, then why still stay? Why don’t you break away from him and this relationship already?
Because you think that there’s a binary relationship between him and loneliness – it’s either him OR loneliness. And you think you can’t deal with loneliness. You DON’T WANT to deal with loneliness. You don’t want to be alone because you don’t know what to expect from it. You have been in a relationship for such a long time it feels unusual to not have someone to call or text all the time. It’s weird to not have someone in mind to think about to get that fuzzy feeling in your chest. It’s boring to not have someone to miss or buy things for when you go shopping. There is no someone to remind you that you are special too.
So to not risk throwing yourself into confusion, you choose to stay with him. And then you make yourself think that he is good enough albeit all his imperfections. You try to believe that he’s the one and only. That he’s the best for you.
So you tolerate all the “little things” in the relationship. You try to accept his flaws. You try to accept how he never makes you feel completely safe – you then think that you are the one going crazy; you are the one being insecure about things. You try to accept the lack of trust in the relationship – you think you two need to let time heal the wounds and build what needs to be build.
You try to accept his lack of initiative to introduce you to his family and friends – “I should just be patient and wait for him to warm up to that idea.” You try to accept how he seldom texts you first – “It’s not that he doesn’t miss me or think of me; he’s just not the texting type.” You try to be okay with him choosing his other friends over you more regularly – “It’s fine, we both should have our own lives.” You begin to accept that he doesn’t really want to share his life with you – “He likes it more to listen to me talk; he’s a good LISTENER.” You think that it’s okay that he doesn’t want to talk about certain things – “I can wait. He will get comfortable with me soon enough.”
You become okay with knowing that he’s not 100% in the game. That he is not as committed, passionate or forthcoming as before. That he thinks about things but doesn’t really share them with you. You are unhappy because you feel jealous. You feel that many other things seem to be taking him away from you. The only time you feel secure is when you pin him down on bed and look him straight in the eyes, and know that he is there. He IS there. That he is also looking back, at you and only you. That moment’s perfect. That moment is what you think you only need. There and then, you know that he’s yours completely. But those moments never last. When he’s gone from your side, you begin to go through those images in your head and sieve out the ones you doubt. And you start to question: Why is he not texting me back? Is he really so busy at work? Why is he not telling me when he wants to see me again? Did he tell me he loves me this morning? When is the last time he said I Love You to me? It’s lunchtime, why is he not asking about how’s my day so far? Does he know that I’m so busy right now I’m skipping lunch? He better. I don’t know what are my plans for dinner.
Obviously, that moment in bed is not enough. It is not all that you need.
And so you help him with excuses. Because you rather face his hot-and-cold temperament; his inconsistency in things; his lack of initiative; and his lack of pride in you, than to face loneliness. You help him with excuses to feel better about it all.
You tell yourself he loves you. You shouldn’t have to. You tell yourself you are the most important thing in his life. He should be telling you this himself. Now and then, now and then.
You choose a love that is “not that bad” because of its consistency. But consistency can be a bad thing too – it means that things will never change. You expect him to change. But the truth is, he will never change for you.
But at least it’s better than loneliness, right?