14 Sh*tty Things No One Expects In Their Late Twenties

1. Being broke.

Updated 10 years ago, October 20, 2014

1. Being broke.

I thought I was done with that noise when I was 22. I definitely sat around in high school thinking I’d be damn near a millionaire at 27. Turns out I’m so broke that I’ve started being jealous of homeless people. Take my student loan debt, and you can have my apartment.

All kidding aside, being broke is a drag.

2. Not having a job.

I have a job now. Not a great job, certainly not a dream job—but a job. And I am beyond thankful. Because in my recent past, I was jobless. And it was debilitating. It makes you feel utterly useless, insecure, and unworthy. An excellent state of mind for job interviews!

3. Not knowing what you want from life.

It’s the new normal to have an existential crisis after 25. What are your goals in life? What will make you happy? What thrills you? What do you want to get out of this life?

And if Netflix marathons could be a legitimate answer to those questions, then I would be heading toward a riveting success story. But for some reason, people expect answers that don’t involve the characters of Breaking Bad.

4. Your single status.

I firmly believe you’re lying if you tell me you thought you’d still be single far into your twenties. As we get older, the dating pool starts looking smaller and smaller. You start to panic a little. Yet your friends in relationships (all of them) always feel the need to tell you they’re jealous of your Tinder account. You fight the urge to slap them.

5. Becoming a bore.

When I was in college, I was confused when people didn’t want to go out on Monday nights.

Last week, I turned down two dates because Gilmore Girls was just put up on Netflix. This might be a small part of why I’m single, too.

6. Being tired…approximately always.

I used to pull all-nighters. Now I legitimately cannot pull myself from bed before 9AM if I went to sleep past midnight.

I used to avoid drinking caffeine. Now life is basically impossible without coffee. I cannot even hold a conversation before I’ve had a cup. I stare at people when they talk before I’ve had my coffee, but if these people believe I’m listening, they are misguided.

7. Gaining weight.

Can I ask a quick question—why does the air suddenly have calories? Because that is the only way I understand this weight-gain bullshit. I’m doing the same things I’ve always done—not working out and eating a lot of pizza.

What? I can’t do that at this age anymore? What kind of game is this? Isn’t there enough shit already going down in my life? I need pizza as a coping mechanism, and suddenly it’s snatched from me. That is completely unfair.

8. Not knowing where you want to live and therefore never feeling settled.

If the possibility of moving to a big city is open to you, then you’re aware of the constant struggle to determine what city would be the best place for you to live.

Big city? Small city? Not a city? Where friends live so you can hang with them? Where you have no friends so you can set out on your own? Close to family? As far away from family as possible?

It is the endless cycle of questions that circle through your head on a daily basis. And by now I thought I’d own a home in the city I was going to stay in for the rest of my life. HA!

9. Considering whether you should move home.

So you’re broke, with a terrible job, single, and don’t know what you want out of life. Yeah, home seems like a pretty great place right now.

Only problem with that is that it’s home.

10. Being annoyed with people who seem to have it all figured out.

Let me be frank—we’re jealous. Sorry you’re great and we’re not, and we have to hate you for that. And until we get our shit together, get used to it.

Understand that we feel bad about our inner attitude, and that’s why we’re trying to actively control our emotions around you. But right underneath the surface, we want to scream every time you mention your 401(k).

11. Contemplating giving up all your career plans and focusing on a completely alternative profession.

So you trained to be a lawyer and now you want to be a filmmaker…I am shocked.

Kidding. No one is surprised, because being a lawyer sucks. And it’s just like the many other degrees that have corresponding careers that suck. And now you’re realizing you have degree in a field you hate just because you thought it would make you money and/or happy. And now since you can’t make it rain every night, and therefore you are unhappy, you’re thinking right about now would be the time to pursue your filmmaking dreams.

I say get after it. Regrets are for losers and people that drink too much. The latter is an acceptable form of regret.

And on that note…

12. Continuing to get way too drunk.

We’ve all sat back after a night of hardcore drinking and thought to ourselves, “I’m too old for this.” It’s super-fun to have this conversation with yourself when you’re waking up in a place you don’t know with no recollection of how you got there. And we’ve all made that inner promise that it would never happen again.

Sure, it won’t.

13. Wishing you could go back to college. And knowing you’d never survive it if you did.

College. The place where getting curvy, getting blackout drunk, being slutty, and sleeping in the whole next day was a socially acceptable rite of passage.

Ah, those were the days. And reminiscing about them makes you wish you could go back. It puts into perspective the fact that your body would no longer be able to handle the sleepless nights, endless drinking, and excessive calories.

The worst part is when you realize that you’re one of those people that wish they could go back to college.

Well, at least you made it out of college alive.