Codependency: In A Relationship With My Toilet

My longest running relationship, outside of the one I have with myself, is the one I have with my toilet and my bathroom.

Growing up I always said I would not be one of those love-struck women who only thinks of their partner all the time. Yet here I am at the age of 29 having a hard time doing anything without my partner. She is always there for me when my Crohn’s Disease is at my worst and provides me with that security I need. I am of course referencing the long-term relationship I am in with my own bathroom. I always hoped it would get easier as the years went on, that society would eventually catch up on the number of public toilets that are needed and could start building them to be more comfortable to those that use them frequently. Instead, I am stuck in a co-dependent relationship that I wish I could get out of but have yet to be reassured that I will find something comparable.

I have had Inflammatory Bowel Disease, ie Crohn’s Disease for 20 years now. When I was 15 years old I had 13 inches of my small intestine removed, along with half of my bladder reconstructed with my own fat due to fistulas growing between the two. It took me over a year to fully recover from it where most of that year was spent bedridden. Currently I have another fistula, this time in the coveted perianal region, which makes me think I need to use the restroom more often than I do. My bathroom needs are barely apparent to myself sometimes, because honestly so many of my days are different. The one fact remains true though-I love my bathroom more than any of the ones I see out in the world.

I am not alone in this relationship status, nor with the issues relating to bathroom needs. The IBD community lives on the same spectrum of unpredictable urgency days or the opposite side of being constipated. Either side of the spectrum leads us to needing more time in the bathroom to relax to be able to go. We cannot forget about our bag community either, where IBD baddies need to have proper toilets to be able to drain their ostomies and have areas where they can lay out their materials for a change.

My bathroom and I have been through a lot, and she knows how to calm me down to get me to go. This summer has not been helpful for me trying to grow outside of this relationship. I have found myself in a bit of a flare, running to my partner (toilet) often, and spending more time than I wanted to with her. But every time I try and venture off into the unknown, I have been greeted with what is unfortunately a part of the dating scene now. Lines, out of order signs, no poo-pouri, or only one toilet available. I have been convinced I will never get out of this relationship.

My life is an endless series of trying to learn how to be ok with all of this, while still enjoying my life. It is a hard balance of learning how to live outside of this relationship, while also experiencing the pain and discomfort of both my disease and this codependency. I have promised myself I will keep fighting for equality until all bathrooms feel like my own relationship.

I am turning towards finding things that will work for me, while the US finds a way to start changing their public bathroom policies. I will keep speaking up and reporting every awful experience I have out in public because there are laws out there to protect our community, such as Ally’s law which states that patients have the right to use an employee only restroom when another one is not immediately available. In the meantime though, I am tired, and want to feel like a real human who can live her life to the fullest. Instead I find myself scanning every new place I am in for the bathrooms, and crossing my fingers that urgency will not come out and scare me. I want my only fears to be that my long term partner is going to be jealous of all of the public restrooms I use, and that I will make it in time to use the toilet when I am experiencing urgency. Humans should not have to fear not finding a place to do what we all do—poop.