18 Signs You’re Too Awkward To Function

1. Greetings and goodbyes are panic attack-inducing situations for you. Do you shake hands? Hug? Wave? It always ends up being some painfully janky combination of the three.

2. The concept of “dating” is more or less lost to you. In your mind, if you don’t turn into a stage five clinger, you never really liked them that much anyway.

3. You never know what to do with your hands.

4. You end up having to explain your jokes to people when they don’t laugh, thus rendering them even less funny than they started out with.

5. You always forget people’s names and would rather run away from the conversation than have to ask again, so you’ve become a pro at roundabout methods of figuring it out. “How do you pronounce that…?”

6. You find yourself apologizing for everything you say even if there’s no reason at all to apologize. It’s like you’re apologizing for existing and speaking because you know it’s awkward.

7. You’re always mildly unaware of your surroundings, which culminates in you somehow always being in someone’s way or saying the exact wrong thing at the exact worst time you could ever say it.

8. It’s not that you just attract painful silences, it’s that you’re the person to be like “AWKWARDDD…” and make everything infinitely, actually worse.

9. Conversational timing is lost to you, so you might as well forget comedic timing (but you’re going to try anyway).

10. You say haha after everything. Haha.

11. You post status updates/tweets and delete them 10 seconds later because you suddenly realize how stupid they are. Haha.

12. You actually spend a lot of time combing through the wording of a status/tweet/whatever and often end up typing something, realizing it’s terrible, and x’ing out.

13. You have no gauge on when it’s appropriate to stop contacting someone who isn’t interested.

14. There’s always something that’s a little uncouth about your appearance — be it food dribbled on your collar or a hole in your shirt or yoga pants when you didn’t realize you were going to a nice restaurant. People will call you out on it, and you’ll just kind of be like, I know, haha, to which they won’t know how to respond either.

15. You repeatedly try to say something in a group conversation and no one listens, so you keep re-starting and re-starting it.

16. You tell a story that’s going nowhere and you realize midway so you just make up an insane lie at the end to make it interesting.

17. You laugh so hard while telling a joke that you can’t finish it.

18. You’re okay with laughing hard at your own jokes because you’re probably the only person who will. TC Mark

Part time writer. Full time bad ass bitch. Brunch-having New Yorker.

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