Lately, I’ve been breaking my own heart for those who operate off ambivalence instead of love. Those who devour every ounce of respect you have for yourself until you’re left with none. I’ve been spending too much time grieving and ruminating on past lovers when the departure of them should have been a liberation. A liberation for me to build a home within myself instead of overextending my stay in temporary homes built on unstable ground.
I am no longer romanticizing your indifference for a twisted version of love where I think I have to sacrifice myself for you to want me. If you cannot love me as I am, you don’t deserve me.
I have outgrown those who provide me with a fleeting moment of passion and love only to vanish for weeks on end without an explanation. I have outgrown those who don’t celebrate my growth and try to tame me back to past versions of myself that no longer exist for their sake of comfort. I have outgrown those who make my mind spiral into madness because they find comfort in ambivalence. I have outgrown connections that drain me rather than fuel me into becoming a more loving person.
I have realized my love is not for everyone. My flesh and bones are too full of passion and honey for me to love anyone who doesn’t ignite a fire inside of me. I am no longer seeking lazy lovers who only know how to love in halves because they will never love you or hold you in the way you want to be. They will never learn your love language because they never loved you enough to try. Lazy lovers will never be afraid to lose you because they never truly valued you from the beginning. I am no longer settling for in-between love, because they are only a fleeting moment of happiness in a lifetime full of pain. I am not for everyone, and that is a beautiful thing.