I know this may come as a surprise since I am so charming and wonderful but I have not had sex in a really long time. A really long time. I am kind of going crazy. My poor body is like, “Hey, remember when someone else used to touch us? That was great. Why don’t we do that anymore?”

I just can’t seem to seal the deal. Either I can’t muster up the strength and energy needed to go get some sex or I can’t seem to attract anyone worthwhile that I’d actually want to have sex with. Who am I kidding? I can’t attract anyone. It’s like right now I have a big glowing sign only visible to the opposite sex which reads, “DO NOT BANG THIS GIRL.” And I know you’re all like, “You’re a girl. A reasonably attractive girl. Just ask someone.” But that’s not the kind of sex I want. I don’t want just shitty, boring nothing-sex. I don’t want bad sex.

Or maybe I do. I’d almost take bad sex at this point. But then the spiral starts again and I get all depressed and I don’t even want to try. So it’s been a long-ass time.

Maybe I’ll reach a zen place where sex won’t matter to me anymore. Maybe I will go so long without it that I’ll fill my life with some other totally meaningful stuff. I stop having sex and then I, I don’t know, cure cancer or start taking vitamins and exercising regularly. Take Rivers Cuomo. He took a vow of celibacy and then he swears his music and his voice improved. So maybe I have secret talents and superpowers that will burst forth once I’ve not had sex for the appropriate duration. Guys, I could be a prodigy and never even have known it because of all the hormones.

It’s been so long that every movie, commercial, strong breeze, whatever, makes me horny. If someone touched my elbow the right way I could probably orgasm. (That’s not true, but it’s like, sort of true.) Right now I really miss it. The good kind, where you’re sweaty and pink afterwards and you have to catch your breath and you’re just like, “Damn. This is what humans were made for.” Where everything is in sync and you’re hitting all the right notes and you just want to grab the other person and do it again and again and again.

But another part of me is starting to think, “Ugh, it’ll never happen again. Why bother?”

I feel like this is a relatable situation. You become so used to not having sex that you just start to give up. Maybe my shit is dried up. Closed for business. I should start expending my energy and thoughts and desires elsewhere. I should take up knitting or Zumba. I should join a book club. I should volunteer at a soup kitchen. I should just do all these not-sex activities and put it out of my mind. Except you know what happens when you say “don’t think about elephants.” You immediately think about elephants having elephant sex. (Is that how that goes? Maybe.)

I don’t know what to do when it’s been this long. It’s become a cycle of wanting to have sex, but then it’s been too long so I don’t want to because what if I forgot some important stuff or what if it’s too much work or what if the person sucks? And so then I don’t. And we’re right back where we started. Horny because of a hot dog commercial or something.