1. Spooning sucks. Someone’s hair is in my face or my arm is gonna go dead. It’s not romantic. It’s uncomfortable.
2. We paid way too much for college considering we primarily picked where we went based on the party scene and whether the people seemed cool/the location was cool. You were 18. You did not pick based on academics. Stop saying you did.
3. Most of our time at the gym is spent getting dressed for the gym. If you “watch a workout tape at home,” it means you’re sitting on your couch not moving.
4. No one likes loud nightclubs. Everyone just goes hoping to get laid. No one is like, “You know what I wish I could do? Not hear for a week because some ‘DJ’ was playing Rihanna so loud people in Switzerland could dance to it.”
5. Jamba Juice is not “healthy.” It’s sugar.
6. You look at Facebook primarily to see whose life is now worse than yours. Or you look at your ex. Or your ex’s new beau. Or your current’s old flame. It’s terrible.
7. We all pick our noses a whole lot when we’re alone. It’s especially good to do in the shower because those suckers come right out. You love it.
8. If you’re a girl, you’ve used toilet paper in a pinch when you didn’t have a tampon. You know you have.
9. No one likes small talk. It makes us anxious and we think we have to impress without sounding braggy. It’s stressful. Why do we always do it? Let’s just skip to some real topics, please.
10. We’d be lost without our parents. Sure, we complain about them or think they don’t know what their talking about but if we ever didn’t have one of them, we’d be curled up in a tiny ball unable to function.
11. Your friend’s comedy troupe, band or dance duo sucks. You have to go and support and you do because you’re nice but god, they suck, don’t they? What are they thinking?
12. You always click on those headline-grabby articles on Yahoo! or People about “Taylor Swift’s Latest Break Up” or “You’ll Never Guess What Selena Said!” You know they’re stupid, but it’s the same impulse that draws your eye to the tabloids at the supermarket. Why is this interesting to you?!
13. We listen to way stupider music than we let on. We’re not sitting at home alone listening to Bon Iver or Bob Dylan. We’re cranking Gucci Mane or Toni Braxton or Britney Spears, don’t lie.
14. We get jealous of other people all the time and we know it’s a bad quality but we can’t help it. (It would help to admit this because lord knows, I’m sure people are jealous of you too and you don’t even know how good you have it.)
15. At the end of the day, we all just want someone to hug us and tell us we’re special.