You amass a whole lot of things in your twenties. Boyfriends, ex-boyfriends, dresses that looked cool for approximately one day and now sit in a pile on the floor of your closet, the purple lipstick that was going to make you look like Rihanna but instead freaked out all of your friends. These things are all very well and good – each one has their place in your life and makes you into the person you’re constantly becoming.
That being said, there are things every young woman in her mid-to-late twenties should own. I’m not saying you need matching wineglasses and the perfect black blazer because I’m not Lauren Conrad. Let’s be real here – who uses a cake stand in their regular life? So here’s what I think you need. Trust me on this one.
1. vibrator. I promise you that once you find a good one, it will change your life for the better. I read once that if everyone was having regular orgasms there would be no war, and though that may be a stretch, I will say that getting off on the regular makes you feel way happier. Go visit your local sex shop and find one that works for you. Spend a little extra to get one that charges from a USB, because nobody buys batteries. Nobody.
2. A family heirloom. As a certified hoarder, I own lots of little things from my late grandma’s apartment, but the most important one is this three-foot high porcelain cat my uncle brought her from Germany when he was serving in the Korean war. It sat in her living room for many years and when she died, it was the one thing I really, really wanted. If my apartment burnt down, this is what I would run to grab.
3. A toilet plunger. Sorry to say this, but you’re gonna need one. Don’t try to be ladylike here. Get real, and get a plunger. What if your little brother comes over and clogs up your toilet? It happens to me! You can buy it on Prime if you’re ashamed.
4. A roll of stamps. Why don’t we ever regularly buy stamps? You need them all the time! Buy $5 worth when you stop at the post office to ship something and use them to mail thank you notes, bills, and actual handwritten letters.
5. Thank You notes. Be a nice person. Send thank you notes. People love them and it makes you memorable. Did you spend a weekend at a friend’s parents’ cabin? Send them a thank you. Become a person who sends thank you notes. Plus, they’re so cute!
6. Medicine. You’re an adult. There’s no reason why you shouldn’t own basic medicine to soothe any ailment you may have, from a cold to an upset stomach.
7. A real piece of jewelry. I’m not saying you need a diamond. Maybe it’s a ring from your mom with a semi-precious stone in it. Either way, it’s a piece of jewelry slightly more valuable than the stuff you buy at H&M.
8. Two or more sets of sheets. Because sometimes your parents come to visit and there’s jizz stains on your sheets and no time to wash them.
9. A dress that makes you feel like a fucking hot babe. Like, a dress that you’d wear to a wedding you know your ex is going to be at. Spend whatever you have to on this one, because every penny is worth it. You’ll wear it again and again.
10. A book that means so much to you, you buy it in multiple copies. For me, this is “Cowboys are my Weakness” by Pam Houston. I have it in two hardcover and two paperback versions. I give it to friends who need it. I reread it multiple times per year.
11. A red lipstick. MAC Ruby Woo, of course.
12. Extra toothbrushes, because sometimes people stay over unexpectedly and nobody likes kissing someone with nasty beer breath in the morning.
13. Something ridiculous that you whip out only when necessary. Mine is fake bangs from Jessica Simpson’s hair extension line. They don’t always totally match my blonde, but I wear them anyway. They make me laugh. They make me feel like I’m changing up my look when really I’m just clipping fake hair to my scalp.
14. A piece of clothing that belonged to an ex-love. You know it’s stupid and you shouldn’t hang on to it, but it still sooooorta smells like them, so you do. Plus, for some reason dude white t-shirts always fit better than girl ones.
15. Family photos. You should own at least a few treasured family photos, whether they’re from your childhood or your grandma’s. Don’t lose them, OK?
16. A leather jacket. I’m just saying – deep down, we all want to look like Sandy from “Grease.”
17. A scrunchie. Don’t be ashamed. Your fifth grade self isn’t ashamed of her scrunchie love. It doesn’t dent your hair. It’s gentle. Pull that shit up when you wash your face or preserve a blowout by tying it back with a scrunchie, not a painful elastic.
18. Good bedding. Don’t buy scratchy, nasty Ikea sheets. Get pillows that support you as you sleep. Be an adult. You work hard! Your bed should feel like heaven.
19. One designer item that you care for like it was your firstborn child. Maybe you saved up to purchase it. Maybe you happened upon it in a thrift store. Either way, it’s important to you and it makes you feel like Carrie Bradshaw or Kim Kardashian or whoever you admire. Love it, and never let it go.
20. Period underwear. Because nobody wants to ruin her prettiest lingerie with those weird stains you get two-days post period. Right? Save some weird old Gap Body undies for that.