As some of you know, I am in the midst of an intense re-watch of the complete classic series we know as “Gossip Girl.” It has many ups and downs – the end of season four and beginning of season five being a significant down. But I’d be lying if I said this beloved series isn’t teaching me anything: it definitely is.
1. It is perfectly OK to wear all of the colors together at the same time. For some reason, Blair can wear bright green, yellow and blue together without looking insane.
2. However, it is NOT OK to wear every single pattern together in an outfit. You hear that, Vanessa?
3. No hemline is too short for a wedding.
4. People who live in DUMBO are poor. Living in a spacious loft in Brooklyn with cool sliding doors in lieu of the traditional type = totally lower-income housing.
5. Never try to out-scheme your rich, cool-and-calm mother. She may have to do house arrest once or twice, but she’ll always be one step ahead of you. (Seriously, I think Lily Bass is actually incredibly evil.)
6. CW TV series are a great home for midrate actors who you never thought you’d see again, like the kid from “Air Bud” and the dynamic actress Katie Cassidy. It was also a safe, bland landing place for a safe, bland plotline featuring Hilary Duff.
7. If Lady Gaga knows your stepdad, she’ll do a performance at your (terrible) re-staging of a fairy tale.
8. Bars in NYC serve minors champagne and cocktails on the regular, especially quasi-famous minors whose exploits simply everyone is following on social media.
9. People can change and surprise you. See: Uncle Jack, Georgina, Jenny, stripper Blair, as well as a plethora of supporting characters. (Georgina redeemed herself even after she convinced Dan that random baby was his for like five episodes.)
10. It’s OK to wear your graduation tassel as a hair accessory, like Serena did.
11. Some people are so genetically blessed that you’ll begin to wonder if their only real function on Earth is to remind you that your hair sucks and will never be effortlessly beautiful like Blake Lively’s.
12. Gold metallic wedding dresses are a surprisingly bold statement.
13. Champagne is appropriate at all times of day.
14. You CAN sexually role-play “Anna Karenina.”
15. Wealth fixes everything. Even if you murder someone, it’s totally fine if you’re rich and beautiful. (Nate’s dad had to serve time because he’s not beautiful, you see?)
16. Best-friendship runs deep. S and B do TERRIBLE things to one another but deep down, they know that bond can’t truly be broken. But really, they do some bad shit that would have me running for the hills. If my best friend pushed me in a fountain in Paris, I’d be pretty pissed.
17. You always end up with the person you’re supposed to be with: S and Lonely Boy, Chuck and Blair, Dorota and Vanya … Rufus and Lisa Loeb …
18. “Things are never as bad as you think.” Valuable knowledge from noted drama queen Blair Waldorf.
19. Never settle for less than the best. Would Blair? Absolutely not. Although I do think Serena settled for stupid old Dan and should’ve chosen Nate.
20. The “cleavage rhombus” exists. Remember the weird cutout dresses Serena always wore? The costumer, Eric Daman, called those memorable gowns “the cleavage rhombus.”
21. People can break up and make up more than two times. In the case of Dan and Serena, it’s like 500 times and we still didn’t get sick of it. Everyone deserves one more chance.
22. A girl who played Dan’s sweet-and-sour baby sister on a CW teen soap can go on to front a pretty kickass metal band. (Have you ever listened to the Pretty Reckless? They’re a hell of a lot better than Lincoln Hawk.)
23. Bronze lipstick is for edgy girls like Jenny. Or my mom.
24. It’s really easy to call in a favor from a famous person like Tim Gunn or Robyn.
25. You will continue to refer to these characters as if they are real people for the rest of your life. If you see them in another context – Bart Bass on “Sex and the City” for example – you won’t truly understand that it’s not Bart Bass dating Miranda. “Gossip Girl” never dies.