I admit, I am way, way late on the “50 Shades of Grey” train. I resisted reading the book for ages because it looked a) terrible and b) terrible. But it was “Buy 4 Get 1 Free” day at the thrift store, so I tossed Book I into my cart and read it over the course of two days. It was terrible, which I knew. I just didn’t know how terrible it was. It was too awful to enjoy in the slightest, though I still have plans to see what is sure to be a trainwreck of a campy movie.
But what did I hate the most about Christian and Anastasia’s “love” story? Where do I begin.
1. Christian Grey is constantly making Ana eat. This is like ¼ of the plot of the book: Christian makes Anastasia clean her plate. And nags her about it. Of everything I read in the book, this was what stuck out to me most. Maybe girlfriend isn’t hungry! Leave her alone you nutjob!
2. Christian is ALWAYS wearing a linen shirt. This grosses me out on so many levels. Linen has its place – the Tommy Bahama store, for one. Also, would control-freak Christian Grey really choose a fabric that wrinkles of its own accord constantly? No.
3. “Laters, baby.” I know that was supposed to be a flippant little joke, but just reading it makes me embarrassed.
4. OF COURSE his birth mother was a crack whore. OF COURSE she was. This is the most fanfiction-y plot point in a book that is full of Mary Sues and cliché fanfic moments. I actually, honestly threw the book across the room when this was revealed.
5. I was under the impression that this book was about S&M and a dom-sub relationship. But it’s not. Ana is not a submissive at all except in the bit at the end, where she finds the relationship disturbing. A blindfold and riding crop does not a dominant make. There’s little to no development on this front besides the fact that Ana thinks it’s bad.
6. The older woman in Christian’s sexual awakening is named Mrs. Robinson?!?! Is this a joke? God, I hope so.
7. Throughout the whole first half, Christian talks about how he doesn’t want a vanilla relationship and won’t sleep in the same bed as Ana. But pretty much all the sex they have is vanilla, and also, he spends every night sleeping with her.
8. E.L. James needs to work on her adjectives and sex words. If there were a drinking game for every cliché word she uses, I would’ve died right away.
9. CHRISTIAN GREY PULLS A TAMPON OUT OF ANA. No dude I have ever slept with would ever, ever do this willingly. Even if guys are “cool” with periods, there’s just no way one would do it pre-sex. I would lose my entire sex drive if that happened.
10. If the dude I was sort-of dating flew out to where I was visiting my mom simply to spy on me, I would not be happy or pleased or think it was romantic. I would be like, “Bro, seriously, you are a stalker and this is inappropriate.”
11. People think this book is romantic? Christian controls Ana totally, from birth control pills to exercise to eating to telling her when she can see her friends. Not cool. This is an abusive relationship. Control in the bedroom is OK, but I don’t fuck with dudes who tell me when to exercise!
12. HOW was this “Twilight” fanfiction? I don’t get it. I don’t understand this book.