Things You CANNOT Do with Long-Ass Fake Nails
1. Pick your nose. It will bleed.
2. Punch the birth control pills from the packaging.
3. Peel stickers.
4. Pick up coins.
5. Change baby clothes without worrying you’ll stab the baby.
6. Pull out a tampon without wincing, both in pain and in fear of icky stuff getting under your nails.
7. Be hygienic in any way. Who know what’s under those things?
8. Resist the urge to wash your hands 100 times a day.
9. Stop admiring how pretty your nails look, or stop enjoying the compliments you get.
10. Type at a normal angle.
11. Hit the “take picture” button on your iPhone without trying seven times.
12. Bite your nails. Acrylics are impossible to bite.
13. Pinch people. You think this would be easy, but it isn’t.
14. Put in contact lenses like a normal person. You have to watch me do this to understand how awkward it is.
15. Clasp a necklace. No way, no how.
16. Play the piano. Clack, clack, clack. My piano teacher would’ve killed me.
What You CAN Do With Long-Ass Fake Nails
1. Make friends with cats and dogs, who love to be scratched.
2. Get your boyfriend in the zone by running them all over his body from scalp to toes.
3. Click them on a countertop to express your boredom in a way natural nails just can’t.
4. Leave scratch marks of passion all over some dude.
5. Make a hell of a lot of noise typing, clacking your nails together, just LIVING in general is louder with acrylic nails on.
6. Slam them into something or shove them and feel more pain than you would with a broken arm.
7. Tear down stores, pry off sensors, handle power tools: these babies aren’t going anywhere.
8. Look very glamorous with long, red nails like an old-school movie star.
9. Get all sorts of gunk stuck under them: avocado, face makeup, chocolate … maybe I’m just a mess.
10. Blame casual ineptitudes on your nails. “Oh, sorry, I can’t do ___ because of my nails!”
11. Change your handwriting. You start to write differently with long fake nails.
12. Pry boogers out of your nose. But like I said above, it’s probably gonna bleed.
13. Pretend you’re on “Mob Wives.”
14. Keep them painted perfectly for almost two weeks. Acrylics never chip!
15. Find yourself taking pictures of your hands all the time because they look so damn pretty.
16. Make good friends out of your nail ladies. You do have to see them like every two weeks for fills, so you might as well be friends! (My nail ladies rule.)