You all know I am a huge proponent of “trashy” beauty. I get so bored reading about which celebrity is “glowingly beautiful without a stitch of makeup on.” Cool. Good for you. I’m glad you can spend thousands on dermatologists and hair extensions. That probably-fake Chanel quote, “A girl should be two things: classy and fabulous” makes me want to barf. Why do we always feel the need to be classy and naturally pretty?
Joan Crawford once said, “I never go outside unless I look like Joan Crawford the movie star.” Therefore Joan would apply makeup, set her hair and get dressed to the nines. Granted, she didn’t live in today’s round-the-clock celebrity coverage culture either, but I appreciate a dame who likes to slap on a full face of makeup. And I REALLY enjoy a celebrity who isn’t afraid to toe the line of trashy. Those chicks on the Best Dressed Lists every red carpet bore the shit out of me.
1. Pam Anderson
The QUEEN of the good girl gone trashy, Pam was a small-town Canada girl who moved to Hollywood and made a bombshell impact. I live for Pamela’s California girl gorgeousness and her trademark sooty smoky eye. In her heyday, no one wore a teeny bikini quite like Pam … just ask the dudes in Lit, who crawled all over her in one of their music videos. She married Tommy Lee AND Kid Rock, the latter in a white bikini. See what I mean?
2. Anna Nicole Smith
This is an obvious transition, from one big-boobed blonde to another. Let’s forget about later years Anna, the tragic trainwreck or the bloated E! star. Anna Nicole at her prime was stunningly beautiful, as evidenced in her gorgeous black and white Guess ads, but she was never trying to be an elegant society lady. She liked hot pink marabou too much for that.
3. “Dirrty”-era Christina Aguilera
I may be in the minority, but I think Christina looked awesome in her “Xtina” phase. She seemed comfortable in her skin, having fun exploring her sexuality and freedom. Christina is also one of the only chicks who looks good with platinum/black hair and teeny tiny eyebrows. Christina has always, always struggled with appearing “classy” in the public eye — too much lipstick, too much bronzer, too much boob or too much hair, they say. Embrace it, I say.
4. Theresa from “Long Island Medium”
Theresa is devoted to her look, from her teased and hairsprayed platinum bob to those massive French manicured talons. (“How does she get her pants on?” a friend of mine wondered.) She is the epitome of what we Midwesterners think a Long Islander looks like, but she’s so sweet and caring it transcends what you think of her style.
5. Carmen Electra
Carmen Electra looks as though she was created in the labs of Maxim magazine.: caramelly-highlighted hair, a flawless body, a line of “stripperobics” videos and a penchant for lip gloss, frosty eye shadow and lots of liner. Where has Carmen been lately? I miss her.
6. Peg Bundy
If I’m ever a mom, I want to look just like Peg Bundy. (Full disclosure: I was not allowed to watch “Married with Children” as a child.) The capri pants, the shoulder-baring tops, the animal prints and the bright colors … she was a shock of fun and over-the-top sexiness, a tongue-in-cheek parody of ‘50s dowdy, perfect housewives.
7. K-Fed era Britney Spears
You didn’t think I’d forget this, did you? I had no idea this photo existed, but it’s basically the perfect snapshot of the Britney/K-Fed relationship. Britney also looked smoking hot in this period of her life, especially in cutoffs and “I’m a Virgin, but this is an Old Shirt” tees.
8. Paris Hilton
The best part about Paris is that she basically looks and dresses exactly the same way she did in her early-2000s spurt of stardom. Get it, girl. Extra points for your commitment to sexy Halloween costumes, which you pull off with aplomb.
9. Fran the Nanny
Last but definitely not least on my list is the fictional Fran Fine, who was workin’ in a bridal shop in Flushing, Queens when … well, you know. Fran could never have seriously nannied in her tiny skirts and spiky heels. Trust me, I’ve been a nanny. But Maxwell Sheffield fell for her in spite of her towering hair, nasal voice and tacky, matchy-matchy ensembles.