Lately I’ve been noticing how my thoughts and actions differ from most others. Of course, the older you get, the more you learn about yourself. This is true for myself as of late, especially; constantly feeling like I’m on a different page than everyone else. Sure, I like to do what every 24 year old does, but maybe just a little less than the usual ones.
I hate feeling the pressure of having to do something. By this I mean any pressure. Making “plans” and following through has become my biggest challenge. I love being a productive person. Upon making many to-do lists and planning everything out a week in advance, I’ve started to realize that no longer works for me, or anyone else because I end up cancelling plans. Knowing I’m living by a schedule, having to do something, makes me not want to do it that much more. So. Much. Pressure.
I want to do what I want to do when I want to do it.
Most people seem to find this difficult to accept, and I totally understand that. I feel like everyone around me is constantly going out, hanging with friends, searching for a relationship. This overwhelms me. I used to know how it was to be like that. Then something changed, apparently.
I no longer feel the need to have someone else to make me happy. I am happy.
I don’t find happiness relying on others any longer. I can’t say when it happened, but it did.
Everyone knows that feeling all too well. I remember a past breakup, years ago, that had me in tears for hours because I thought I needed that person. What a strange thought that is to me now. Now the most difficult part is explaining this to other people. People like to feel needed. And I can no longer give them that.
I never want to wake up and need something. I want to always be able to leave my job tomorrow, if I wanted to. I want to be able to book a ticket on the next flight to another country in a matter of hours. Anything that disables me from doing so seems unnecessary. The feeling of being restrained is suffocating.
It is hard to explain this to the important people in your life. And I have the most amazing people in my life. Relationships aren’t for me, not at the moment at least, and that’s a tough one to explain.
Maybe your 20s are your selfish years, maybe something or someone will hold me down some day, but for now being a free spirit is who I am.
People will understand your choices because they care about you, accept you, and love you. Anyone else just doesn’t need to be in your life.