While rummaging through a diary I kept in sixth grade, I had a horrible realization. My taste in men is quite lacking in the commitment department.

When I was 12, I had the biggest crush on this one boy. Let’s call him Bernard. Bernard was cute, in a dorky way, had this “I don’t care” personality that completely allured me, and was someone I could call up in the middle of the night and have a random conversation with. I think one night we spent three hours talking about the many ways a giraffe could use a spork.

It wasn’t shocking that I was crushing on this guy; my favorite people are the ones I can call up in the middle of the night and have a conversation about giraffes with, but throughout my diary I noticed a pattern. “We’re friends. We’re more than friends. He holds my hand. He ignores me. We share a locker. He won’t text me back. He walked me home. I haven’t seen him in days.” And it goes on. One line that got under my skin was, “We always have such a good time together and we text all the time, but he is so bipolar.” I know commitment was not exactly a word in my romantic dictionary when I was 12, but I noticed the same pattern going on with a romantic interest I have now. In fact, I texted that line to my friend asking her who it reminded her of, and without missing a beat, she texted back the name of my current crush. And it hit me like a sledgehammer. My taste in boys has not changed in the past six years.

I thought about all the boys I’ve liked since. The one who would text me every few months with the same “I miss you” and “You’re the right horse for me” crap. The ones who had girlfriends, but I fawned over them anyway. The ones who used me to pass their classes. The one who actually wanted a commitment and I pushed him away. I know if I keep repeating this cycle, I won’t have a healthy, happy relationship anytime soon, but I don’t know why I’m prone to crushing on guys that I know it’ll never happen with.

Am I wired wrong? Do I fear commitment? I wish I could blame it on someone else or stress or something irrational like my parents’ divorce. I don’t have a solid thing to blame it on, though.

I realize there are both men and women out there who don’t want commitment. They just want something fun and adventurous. But there are also people who are looking for a partner whom they can trust and love. I’m not sure what I want at the moment, and sometimes I think I’m too young to really settle down on an answer. Maybe that is why I’m inclined to looking for guys who have only one foot in the door.

I’d like to think, though, that when we meet somebody we truly adore, we shouldn’t give up no matter what the circumstances are. I’m probably saying this only because I’ve been binge-watching The Office and Jim and Pam FINALLY got together, and I’ve been reminded there’s still hope. But still.

I know there’s no pressure because I’m still young and I still need time to discover who I am and all that jazz, but it’s so hard when society and my friends all seem to have found someone worth keeping, and it scares me that I’m still running around in the circle I have been since I was a middle-schooler. I guess it comes down to this; am I going to keep running in the same circle or am I going to jump off the track and take a road I’ve never travelled before?

While I was confiding in my friend about this realization, she told me that I don’t have a bad taste in men; I have a bad taste in the readily available. When the one I truly like seems out of reach, I go for the next best thing, and most of the time, the next best thing is not what is best for me at all. Another friend of mine described it as my being at a dessert buffet, and instead of waiting for the dessert I want to be served (in this case she used the example of cherry pie), I get impatient and choose something off the buffet that I know will never satisfy me. So I guess what I’m trying to say is deep down, even if at the moment we don’t want commitment, we are all searching for our cherry pie; someone who completes our difficult, intricate puzzle. And you know what they say. Patience is a virtue.