Maybe I should apologize now for how difficult I will be. I hope you realize it is not because I want to.
I’m sorry for the times I will avoid you. I’m sorry for when I will act out of emotions. I’m sorry that I will be so hesitant to trust you. I have to keep my wall up until it cannot stand any longer. It’s the only way I can protect myself. I can’t risk letting myself be vulnerable to the wrong person. I am going to make it as hard as possible because to risk falling in love is as scary as risking your life. If not more terrifying.
You see, I fell in love once. Head over heels in love. I saw a future that I had never seen before. I was 26 and had never been in love.
When I met him, it was like a whole new world opened up. We spent every moment we could together. I showed him my insecurities and he stayed in spite of what I felt made me unlovable. He looked at me as if I was his world and he knew how to make me feel special. With everything aside, we really were good for each other. We taught each other some hard but necessary lessons.
Then I wanted more.
I wanted things to be official. I wanted him to admit his feelings out loud. I wanted him to let himself fall. I had such a hard time understanding his fears because I had never had my heart broken. Until him, I didn’t know that trusting someone with the darkest parts of your soul can cause so much anxiety. Until him, I didn’t know that I wouldn’t be able to go to certain places ever again because it’s drenched in old memories of us. Until him, I didn’t know that a broken heart could cause you to lose so much sleep. Until him, I didn’t know that a broken heart could make you feel as worthless as it does.
So what does this all mean for you? Unfortunately it means you have the aftermath to work though. You will have to fight twice as hard if I am what you want. You will experience my crazy emotions even when you don’t deserve it. You will have to remind me that you choose me. The thought allowing myself to be vulnerable with another person, literally makes me shake in fear.
The only “love” I’ve known wasn’t really love. However it’s what I expect I’ll have to go through.
It’s going to take someone patient and willing to fight to show me I can love again. Someone who truly wants me and is willing to go through the learning curves of a healthy relationship with me.
I know I will be exhausting. But I can tell you that every bit of effort will be worth it. Once I know I’m safe and your intentions are pure, I’ll love you harder than you’ve ever been loved. I’ll be your biggest fan and push you to better yourself in every way I know possible. I will let you learn the lessons you need to learn on your own, but I will stand by you for everything else. I’ll insist on you doing the things that make you happy, with and without me. I’ll be there to celebrate your accomplishments and I’ll be there to hold you when you are second guessing your strength. If you can make me trust you, I’ll change your life forever. But until then, please understand where my fear comes from.
Know that I’ll eventually give it my everything and know that it’ll be worth it.