One morning, it could be days or it may be years from now, you will wake up to find that your mind is consumed with memories of us. You will try to ignore the flashbacks that flood through your mind. The road trips, the dinners and the deep conversations.
You will remember how soft my hands were when you would secretly try to hold them. The sound of my laugh will ring through your ears as if I am lying right beside you. You will reach for your phone to try to shift your thought process because you don’t understand why you can’t get me off of your mind.
As you scroll, you will come across pictures of me smiling with friends as if I am the happiest I have ever been. As you come across the picture of me with him, your stomach will drop. It’s a picture of me with a man who is crazy about me and not afraid to show it. It is a picture that shows somebody else is making me happy.
This is when it will hit you like a ton of bricks; the regret of never choosing me when you had the chance.
I remember the night I confessed my feelings to you, for the second time. You looked so uncomfortable as I poured my heart and soul out to you. I gave you more than I had ever given another human being. I trusted you with all of me, something that had never happened before. After it was all said and done, all you could say was how people do not spend their Friday nights with people they don’t care about. Then you pointed out how we were together on yet again, another Friday night.
I don’t know if that was supposed to give me some kind of security in what I was to you. If it was, it did just the opposite.
We went to your family gatherings to show them that you were learning to pick up the pieces and that you were healing from the devastating blow that was your last relationship. I became involved in your life with the things and people you loved. I was accepted by them as one of their own and created bonds that you always wanted them to share with whom you chose to love.
I was your person. At least that was what you liked to tell me. It was because I was always there for you.
Through every idea and life change, I was your biggest support. You used to tell me that I cared more than your oldest friends. I was who you went to after a hard day or stressful time. I was the partner you had searched your whole life for.
I accepted you as you were and that scared you. I never asked you to be anything but yourself.
Baggage and all, you were exactly what I wanted. You were the guy who loved his grandma more than any other person on the planet. You were the guy who teased me relentlessly about my dirty car. You were the only other person on the planet who loved the beach as much as I did. You were the closest to being in love that I had ever experienced and there was nothing you could have said or done that would have pushed me away.
I think the hardest part with us was that I knew I was in love with you from the moment I met you. You on the other hand, spent the last year and a half denying every feeling you had for me.
You were in so much denial that you would call our mutual friends to ask them if I was really as genuine and good as I made you feel. Your last relationship had hurt you so badly that you refused to accept I could be good for you. I was everything you claimed to have ever wanted but you couldn’t trust your instincts because they had failed you before.
Looking back on it now, I was so blind. All I could see was you and the fact I wanted nothing more than to be with you. I ignored every red flag and every person’s warning.
I chose you over people who only wanted the best for me. I allowed you to pull me from the relationships in my life that mattered the most. I was so head over heels in love with you that I gave you everything, including the power to destroy me.
I let myself be faint and weak when I was meant to be strong and shine bright. I worried too much about what I did not have rather than everything that I did. It took me almost two years to see it, but I was the absolute best thing to ever happen to you and you willingly let me walk away.
So, when the time comes and you are aching with regret and want a second chance, know that you already had your shot and you let it go. I now realize everything that I deserve and unfortunately for you, you didn’t make the cut.