1. “My baby has been sleeping for 12 hours. I miss her so much when she’s sleeping. :(“
You can talk. to. the hand . . . while I UNFRIEND you. I’m lucky if my kid sleeps for six hours in a row.
2. “Little Lily was up all night throwing up. I love taking care of my little dumpling when she’s sick. It’s what being a mom is all about!”
Really? Being up all night and catching throwup in your bare hands is what being a mom is all about? If you find it so fulfilling, you can come over and catch my kid’s vomit too.
3. “Letting little Stevie win Candy Land for the 8th time in a row.”
Well, aren’t you patient and polite? And probably cheating. Grow a spine already. LAY THE SMACKDOWN. Stevie needs to toughen up.
4. “It’s 8:30. I wish Susie would wake up so we could go out and do something!”
Some of us have been up since 4:30 a.m. with our little bundles of joy. So unless the thing you want to go out and do involves bringing me chocolate and then taking my kid to a playground so I can nap, you can suck it.
5. “I’m worried that my 4 year old is reading. It’s too early!”
I just did the international sign for gag me with a spoon. Brag if you want to brag, but don’t mask it as a concern.
6. “Do you think this is diaper rash?” [insert picture]
I really didn’t need the visual. Really.
7. “I was up until 1 a.m. making cupcakes shaped like Dora the Explorer’s head! You know, just because!”
I’m sorry. Do I know you? Apparently we have nothing in common.
8. “Tommy flushed my wedding ring down the toilet!! LOL! Little rascal!”
Is there some alternate meaning to LOL that I don’t know about? Little Obnoxious Loser, perhaps?
9. “My home-made kale chips and flower shaped quinoa burgers aren’t fitting in the bento box!”
Crisis! Someone call the lunch box police! If you ask nicely, maybe my kid will share her processed bologna and fruit roll up with your kid.
10. “Junior has strep and pink eye, but I’m sending him to school anyway because I have a hair appointment this morning. Shh! Don’t tell the school nurse!”
Consider this: you will survive if your highlights grow out a few more days. But if your kid gets my kid sick, your survival is questionable.