Thought Catalog

We Didn’t Date, But You’re Still My Ex

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This article takes inspiration from Maureen O’Connor’s All My Exes Live in Texts: Why the Social Media Generation Never Really Breaks Up, published at NYMag in July 2013.

There’s a difference between an “ex-boyfriend” or “ex-girlfriend” and just an “ex.”

An “ex-boy/girlfriend” is somebody you dated seriously for an extended period of time. You had the talk. You defined the relationship. You probably told them you loved them. And then you broke up, affixing the word “ex” in front of their former title forevermore.

But what about everybody else? What about the guy you only went out with a few times? What about the girl you used to drunkenly make out with on the regular? What about the guy you were hooking up with until he started dating someone else? What about the girl you had a fling with when you were in Mexico on vacation? What about the guy you never actually even did anything with, but still flirted with enough that you might as well have?

These people are just exes. That guy you casually dated for a month isn’t an ex-boyfriend, but he’s an ex-something. And that something is enough to stir up feelings inside of you whenever their name inevitably appears in your social media feed.

Jealousy when he posts a picture of him and his new girlfriend together. Bitterness when you notice she’s starting to take your advice and make changes in her life now that you no longer see each other. Pride when he likes your new profile picture (because it obviously means he still thinks you’re hot). Frustration when her name immediately pops up as the first result when you start to search for someone else. Hilarity when he shows up in your OKCupid matches and you notice he lied about his height. Resentment when you realize she’s untagged herself in all of the pictures you have together. Uncertainty when he pops up on Tinder (do you swipe right in hopes that he’s an instant match so you can not only feel validated but maybe strike up a conversation? But what if he’s not an instant match? What if already swiped you left?). Confusion when she appears in one of your friend’s Instagram photos (they know each other?). That’s the thing about these exes. They’re inescapable. Even if you only had sex once, chances are you’ll run into him or her again online in some form. There’s no such thing as a one-night stand in the digital age.

Some people — especially those from different generations — do not believe these experiences count as “relationships,” that they lack intimacy, and that they shouldn’t be considered an “ex” as such. But just because you didn’t officially date someone doesn’t mean you weren’t intimate with them. That guy you slept with a handful of times? You know things about him that his family and friends don’t and never will. You know how his body feels against yours and what his bedroom looks like at 2AM. You know how he sounds during sex and the face he makes when he orgasms. That girl you went out with once or twice? You know her life story. You’ve likely talked for hours about her past experiences and what potentially lies in her future. There are questions you could ask her, and a life narrative you could easily follow. That guy you dated for a month? You could have had real feelings for him. You could have been imagining a future with him before he threw it all away, and nobody should be allowed to discount how you felt about him because it was only a month. You may never see any of these people again, but they’re still exes. The intimacy was real; it just came without any sort of commitment.

And that’s the way we like it, isn’t it? We’re young, we’re unattached, and we’re free to do what we please with whomever we please, so why not keep as many love interests around us as possible? I mean sure, if the right person comes along, then by all means, settle down with them. But until that moment comes, there’s nothing wrong with having enough exes in your phonebook to populate a small town. They’ll live on forever in your text messages and Facebook feed, because thanks to social media we can never really say goodbye to our exes — which is perfect, because if there’s one thing we enjoy, it’s keeping our options open. TC mark

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    • Dana Bohince

      Reblogged this on db delights.

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    • http://coeurdelapin.wordpress.com lizklinger35

      Reblogged this on Lines and Pearls and commented:
      As someone who has had more than a few “exes” but never really an “ex-boyfriend,” I find this article important. My past relationships may rarely be defined, but my emotions concerning these people deserve to be treated with validity. Because I care about the people in my life when they’re in it. A lot. Too much.

      In accordance with this reblog/post, here’s the song of the night: “Wish I Didn’t” by Elizabeth & The Catapult

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      Reblogged this on Safe Haven and commented:
      The guy you never actually even did anything with, but still flirted with enough that you might as well have.

    • Carrot

      Reblogged this on Carrot diary and commented:
      Think about you when reading this….are you my ex? ^^

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      Reblogged this on The Lemonade Diary.

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      Reblogged this on thyloveinparis and commented:
      “The intimacy was real; it just came without any sort of commitment.”

    • Rina

      Reblogged this on Cray Ooh Lala and commented:
      Makes a lot of sense.

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      Reblogged this on My life in pictures and words.

    • http://betweendreamsandrealityy.wordpress.com akynelleon

      Reblogged this on betweendreamsandrealityy and commented:
      OMFG. This hits me so bad. I have so many exes. :3

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      Reblogged this on Wonderfully Wicked..

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      Reblogged this on no boundaries and commented:
      we all have had our ex-“something” and when you try to recall the moments with them, it’s the “almost” that can break your heart to a million pieces.

    • jesstaecie

      Reblogged this on Jassyleciousღ ♒.

    • krstndipity

      Reblogged this on Sweet|Serendipity and commented:
      “And that’s the way we like it, isn’t it? We’re young, we’re unattached, and we’re free to do what we please with whomever we please,”

    • ellamaydzcastillo

      Reblogged this on Random Ambiguity and commented:
      The intimacy was real.

    • Amelia Fang

      Reblogged this on Amelia Thinks and commented:
      For someone who almost had a first boyfriend at 20-something and felt so bad and so insecure of the thought of it and how it lousily and unknowingly failed before it even started, that I have no right to feel bad since he never really became my boyfriend, and should not be a wee bit bitter if he had a new one, that I know will become his “ex-something” eventually.. this article made me realize that I really had at least a little fun, by having a now “my-first-ever-EX-something”. At least instead of saying, “you know that guy who was not really my boyfriend but you all thought he was, but I never really know what we had or something because he’s like uggh whatever…well, he’s an ASSHOLE” I can now official say, “My ex is an utter bastard and I hate him. And I had the right to feel hurt. Because I really was. Thumbs up for this awesome thought! ;)

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      Reblogged this on Girl, In Progress and commented:
      This article literally describes many of my past situations. Definitely worth a read!

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