Sex doesn’t get talked about enough.
The word “communication” can be found in 99 percent of modern relationship advice/literature… but it’s rarely to do with our sex lives. It’s usually focused around dissolving conflict, going deeper in your relationship, or expressing jealousy. All of which are totally valid things to want to work on.
And some arguments can be best served with a passionate, emotionally present night of sexual play faster than they can be with words.
That being said… sex! How are we not talking about it with our partners more? Well, we are now.
Let’s do this.
Here are five questions to ask to increase the quality of your sex life. Some might be easier for you than others, but I promise that if you implement them, you’ll notice benefits from each and every question.
1. What have been some of your favorite sexual experiences (whether between us or with others)? What was it about those experiences that you loved so much?
You may have to set your triggered ego aside for this one because, spoiler alert, your partner likely had sexual experiences before they met you.
When you and your partner think back on the entirety of your individual sexual history, what moments or experiences stand out to you as the hottest/most erotic/most deeply satisfying?
This is a question that really deserves to be pondered. Give it a few days. Journal about it. Talk about it.
What have been the best sexual experiences of your life? What have been some of your partners? And then, once verbalized, are each of you willing to incorporate that experience or some version of it into your sex life?
Granted, some experiences you’ll want to keep in the past, but if there’s something that you and your partner (or one of your former partners) used to do that you really miss, you’re allowed to introduce it into your present day sex life.
2. What does your ideal sex life look like?
What does your ideal sex life look like? What kind of frequency would make you the happiest?
What specific acts would you want to engage in on a weekly basis? What kind of emotional content do you want your lovemaking to have? Does your ideal sex life involve cuddling? Bondage? Morning quickies? Ample cuddling? Whatever you want, you’re allowed to want it.
Think about it, chat about it, and incorporate whatever you both find agreeable.
3. What do you love about our current sex life?
If you’re doing these questions in order with your partner (totally up to you) then the first two questions might have kicked up some interesting new ideas. This question is about reminding you both of what is already working for each of you.
What specifically do you already enjoy about the sexual play that you and your partner regularly engage in?
You might be surprised as to what answers bubble up to the surface for yourself and from your partner. The simplest thing that you love might be a total shock to them, and similarly, they might verbalize something that was totally off of your radar. These little surprises are what makes these exercises/questions so valuable. Even if you’ve been with your partner for years, you don’t know unless you ask.
4. Is there anything you would like to be doing more of together in our sex life?
Maybe you used to do something together frequently when you first started dating, but then it fell by the wayside. Maybe a certain position got lost in the shuffle because one of you secretly felt less confident while you were having sex in that position. Whatever the reasons are that sexual habits fall out of favour, it’s good to talk about them.
Is there anything in you and your partners sex life that either one of you wants to re-integrate into your sex life?
5. Is there anything new you have wanted to try, but weren’t sure if you were allowed to want it?
For countless unfortunate reasons, there’s so much shame tied to our relationship to our sexuality. Well meaning parents, peers, movies, media, and misguided early sexual educators give us a lot of faulty beliefs around what is considered “normal” in what we’re allowed to want when it comes to sex. So this is the shame melting round of the exercise.
What would you like to try, if you weren’t afraid to ask? What do you need the permission to ask for? What sexual acts do you feel like you don’t deserve?
If you’ve been following me for a while then you’ve likely heard of “spoiling sessions.” Spoiling sessions are a perfect example of an exercise in sexual receptivity that brings up a lot of anxiety for certain people. It’s not always easy to explicitly ask for what we want. But it is uber-valuable and super fun once we get to the place of being comfortable with it.
So what, in your sex life, would you ask for if you knew that your partner could potentially be open to it?
Want Better Sex? Just Ask
Communication is vitally important in any relationship. Sex is just as vital (however you define sex for yourself).
By intentionally setting aside time to talk with your significant other about the status of your sex life, you could save yourself years of pain, and add that much more joyous sexual play into your daily life. So the question isn’t “Will asking these questions be worth the potential awkwardness?”, but rather, “How can I afford not to have this conversation with my partner?”
Your new and improved sex life starts today.