The beauty of Tinder is that it’s a platform that gives you access to a plethora of truly, truly unique people. The conversations I have had the privilege of being a part of on Tinder are unrivaled in every other sphere of my social life. There is a degree of anonymity granted by online dating that really frees people to say whatever the hell they want. And these guys really went all out with that:
1. Tits or GTFO
What’s nice about this opening is it’s so straightforward. No beating around the bush or hiding behind euphemisms. This guy just said what he wanted.
2. Hey beautiful you should follow me on insta, I follow back(: or snapchat me
He made the common mistake of confusing Tinder for a network for self-promotion. People go on Tinder to meet people or alternatively to bump nasties with strangers (No judgment if that’s how you roll; I’m just not into STD roulette.) They don’t join Tinder to find followers for their social media accounts that no one cares about.
3. I never usually message on here, but I just had to say you’re beautiful!
The Player without Game. He starts relatively well, delivering a slightly unlikely declaration, but he closes it with a classic compliment. His follow-through is where he’s lacking. When I call him out on his initial lie, he shoots back with “Haha, dang you got me… Well, I do mean it!! You are beautiful!” Wow, he gives up so quickly! Aren’t I worth a little more effort than that? Nice try, dude; you need a little more practice.
4. Hello, there, how’s it going? I find your beliefs to be most excellent and it parallels my views about the universe, science, and our place in it.
The weird guy. Bro, Tinder is for hookups and first dates, it is not for discussions of philosophy! We aren’t looking at each other’s “beliefs,” if you know what I’m saying. And don’t even get me started on the grammar. Also, you don’t know my beliefs!! So what are you talking about??? Lay off the drugs a bit, man.
5. If you were a cat I would feed you gourmet human food
Hands-down my favorite. Its beauty is in its amazing ability to bring the reader of such a statement to absolute speechlessness. I suppose he’s attempting to give a compliment, although he is utterly failing. I wonder how he thought the conversation would go. Did he really think this would turn out in any remotely positive way? “Oh thank you strange man for comparing me to a feline!” “Of course, aren’t I charming? Your place or mine?” “Mine, I’ll buy the condoms!” No! Nooo! THAT WOULD NEVER HAPPEN. I almost wish I had answered the guy just so I could understand his logic. Unfortunately, I’ll never know.
6. Is my dick too large?
This guy knows how to write an “attention getter,” I’ll give him that. His high school English teacher must be so proud! By framing it as a question, the guy thinks he won’t be viewed as a completely unwarranted exhibitionist. He is wrong. Don’t do this, guys. Do not do this.
7. Would you like an Australian kiss?
Clearly sex is the ONLY thing on this guy’s mind. Actually, blame it on my naiveté or my mom succeeding at sheltering me—maybe both—but I didn’t realize what this guy meant at first. I thought he was just referring to some cute foreign expression of affection like an Eskimo kiss or the European kiss on each cheek in greeting. I figured I just hadn’t heard of whatever it was yet. In hindsight, I should have known. I didn’t think he meant anything pervy. Nope. It’s always something pervy. He actually sent me an explanation before I had even decided if I wanted to reply: “An Australian kiss is like a French kiss but from down under.” I had no words. Stay classy man, stay classy.
Regardless of anything else, the one-liners of Tinder will always make interesting stories. Thanks, bros of Tinder—the Internet is forever grateful!