Obviously there are exceptions to every rule and somebody’s gotta win the lottery, right? Well, sure, (but most don’t.) Here are some tell-tale signs for men and women to look out for that will increase their chances of meeting someone with whom they’re compatible. Knowing these, I believe, will minimize heartache, wasted time, and scarring “learning experiences.” Here are my 10 “nopes.”
1. Never date someone with more problems than you or who has problems you can’t handle
If you have no problems at all then you are the exception, you Golden Unicorn. Otherwise, keep in mind that just like everything else in a relationship, you’ll be sharing these problems. Relationships need every advantage they can get to survive and thrive and lingering issues that you can neither understand nor deal with will work like worms in wood to undermine your relationship. If you can’t handle the problems you’re presented with then don’t bother. All you’ll be doing is wasting their time and your own which would be better spent on them finding the right person for them.
This isn’t about judgement or winning or losing. This is about being realistic and honest with yourself.
2. Never date a cheater… even if that person cheated with you
If you’ve ever hooked up with someone while they were in a relationship with someone else (I shamefully admit that I have done this) then don’t get any ideas about being in a relationship with that someone in the event of a breakup. Starting out a relationship with a giant wrong is a terrible foundation since neither of you are trustworthy or forthright enough to either keep out of other people’s business or take a stand and break it off.
If this kind of relationship starter were an omen it would be a giant raven eating an angel in a church. No.
3. Never date someone with no interest in money
Money is important to even a single person and if a couple wants to have a future and a family then money is only going to become more important. Not being interested at all is a sign that a person has never needed money and therefore doesn’t understand how to make it or the value of having it. (It could also mean that they don’t ever intend to work.)
Understanding that money is important isn’t shallow.
4. Never date someone who’s too interested in money
They’re prime candidates for cheating, should funds run dry in a relationship. If their lifestyle or self-worth is predicated by their ability to buy the new iPhone contract free every cycle or they constantly have to eat out at the latest hip bars/eateries then they’ll expect this lifestyle to be upheld no matter what.
You will not find a true and supportive partner in this person. See: “vineswinger.”
5. Never date someone who thinks normal sexual things are gross
Oral sex is normal. Doggy style sex is normal. Ass slapping and hair grabbing are normal. Obviously, everyone has their preferences about these things and “normal” does vary but if the person you’re interested has real problems with sexual things you consider to be normal then consider whether you’re compatible with this person in the long run. Frankly, it can speak to entire worldview differences. The truth about a person often makes itself plain in what they are and aren’t into sexually.
Vice versa is true as well. If you’re not comfortable with the things your partner likes sexually and you can’t be become comfortable with it then find someone that’s more like you.
6. Never date someone who hates their parents (and you KNOW their parents are fine)
This person likely has issues, not with their parents but with authority and sense of self. Rebellion is fine and often necessary for a person with integrity but pointless blaming is an avoidance mechanism designed to remove responsibility, not resolve conflicts. Stay away from this person because as soon as you point out that their parents aren’t all that bad then you’ll become the one they rebel against.
You’ll be the new authority figure.
7. Never date someone who hates all their exes
There are terrible exes and there are terrible exes but if the person you’re interested in does nothing but complain about how everyone they’ve ever dated did them wrong then they either have terrible judgement or they’re unable to take responsibility for their own behavior or their part of a failed relationship. Avoid this otherwise you’ll just become another tale of woe they tell the next person after your relationship doesn’t work out.
8. Never date anyone who says they don’t care about looks
Why? Cause it’s a lie. Everyone cares about looks and, contrary to what often seems to be popular opinion, everyone should care about looks. Physical attraction matters for all the obvious reasons and certainly plays into how much you desire someone. Desire matters in terms of sex and is a huge part of any relationship, especially for the long term.
If you’re attracted to a certain physique, don’t deny it. Seek it out. Dating someone who says they don’t care about looks can often mean that they aren’t willing to put in the work to maintain their bodies at all. If that’s not what you’re looking for then go.
It’s not shallow. It’s necessary.
9. Never get involved in a long distance relationship if you’re under 25
25 may seem a bit arbitrary but I’m basing this on the belief that most people aren’t really capable of the level of focus that a real long-term relationship requires until they’ve matured past their early 20s. I can’t tell you how many couples I’ve known that came into college promising to always be with their high school sweetheart only to have the man or woman cheat and knock over everything. The temptations are just too great and without the consistent presence of the person you care about to remind you why you care about them most people will find their way to either relationship boredom or the arms of another.
It’s natural. Couples are supposed to be together, not apart. Don’t tempt fate and don’t create conditions where the odds are against you.
10. Never date anyone who constantly belittles their own looks
This person has deep insecurity issues that you will not be able to help them get rid of. Unless they fix that on their own then they will always need constant positive affirmation just to not feel terrible about themselves. That’s an emotional killer and produces an uneven relationship with one person constantly supporting and the other person constantly demanding support.
Get out, now.