We’ve evolved over millions of years to most effectively do a handful of things. Lucky for us, one of them is banging.
Like any animal, we’re on a mission to propagate our species. Yes, we’ve picked up some hobbies along the way. (Gin Rummy doesn’t suck) But in the end, we’re hardwired to find a mate and then bang them.
Now, to accomplish this task, we need to attract a partner. And to attract a partner, we need to look hot.
Which gives us a simple formula:
- We need to bang.
- To bang we need a partner.
- To attract a partner, we need to look hot.
Thus, we need to look hot to bang.
Now, to some, ‘hot’ is intelligence. To others, ‘hot’ is a beautiful singing voice. But for the purpose of this exploration, we’ll stick to the physical.
Countless cultures have developed their ways to look hot over the millennia.
Here are 5 of our culture’s most popular and a brief history behind them:
1. Shaving
Men
Once upon a time, when a woman wanted to get laid, she had to bang ZZ Top. Today, like the Dollar Menu at McDonald’s, we have new choices arriving every day.
Evidence of men shaving their faces date back to 30,000 BC. (Around the time Dick Cheney had his Bar Mitzvah) Their tool of choice: Flint, man’s first disposable razor. It was King Tut though that cemented shaving into daily hygiene.
Now, there were many purposes behind shaving, from protecting against vermin, to aiding during battle, but again, this is about looks (and a conversation starter for your next date).
The razor we know came around 1900 by King Gillette, and though I don’t enjoy shaving as much as skipping, it’s a heluva lot easier to look hot today.
Women
Holy crap, did women torture themselves throughout history. From arsenic to quicklime to clamshells, being a hot chick seriously sucked. (And further evidence men are dicks)
It wasn’t until 1915 that dawned the female shaving of today. The catalyst? An ad of a lady in a sleeveless dress. Seeing a woman’s pits in 1915 was more shocking than Mylie with a foam-finger.
As sleeveless and rising hemlines took root, the trend to shave these areas followed.
And pubes? Those pioneers might surprise you: Muslim women. Yes, many still cover the hair on their head, but for centuries, brides shaved their biz for the big night.
2. Makeup
As we all know, women (and Adam Lambert) wear makeup to look hot. The irony is wearers of makeup look hottest when you can’t tell they’re in fact wearing it.
Now, there is something about red lips that men are drawn to. Shadow to help that eye color pop. Like all things we do to look hot, there can still be incredible pain for us now, with plenty of hot-related causalities along the way.
God knows how many servants, slaves and guinea pigs screamed in agony as Cleopatra and her minions tried to find that magic mascara (that wouldn’t sizzle their eyes out).
On the history front, makeup has been around for nearly 6,000 years and played a role in countless cultures from Egyptian to Victorian, Prostitutes to that obnoxious chick on the Drew Carey Show.
Cultures started out using coal, soot, herbs, chalk and dyes, and chemical advancements continue to this day. As does it’s use. The son of one of my best friends paints his nails. Today, girls kiss him. In my youth, I would’ve been hung on a nail by my underwear.
3. Nails
For millions of years, our ancestors didn’t cut, polish and paint their nails. They just used the shit out of them til they fell off.
When we developed the use of tools, our nails became less useful and more of an obstacle. So we were forced to keep them short.
As Mating is a core mission, we’ve always looked for angles to individualize and our nails were one of them. Manicures kicked off about 5,000 years ago. French manicures originated in 18th-century Paris, and soon after, French kissing.
From a guy’s perspective, a woman’s nails should look clean and healthy, but we’re not capable of appreciating much more. After we check your face and body off the list, there’s only so much our brains can process in the looks department.
On the guy front, nails don’t really attract a woman, but they can sure repel them. Clean and trimmed is all it takes.
4. Jewelry
My take is women (primarily) wear jewelry to look hot for other women. Yes, it’s for dudes too, but I’ve never heard one say, “she’d be a beauty, but only if that bracelet was Cartier”.
Of course we’re attracted to money, and jewelry is a shiny way to say, “I’m packing Benjamins”. Its endless variety matches our variety of tastes and attractions. Some think a bone in the nose is hot. Some find rings foul. To each their own.
Jewelry dates back to 100,000 years ago via shell-beads found strung together.
Did Neanderthals prefer chicks that wore beads? I’d venture to say yeah, as there was no evidence of a religious purpose. We’re humans, we don’t put in more effort than what’s needed. Exerting as little effort as necessary is a matter of survival.
Here are a few other jewel highlights:
- Diamonds date back over 3,000 years to India. (And the inspiration behind Indiana Jones and the Temple of Shit)
- Gold dates to the Balkans around the 4th millennium BC.
- Pocket watches were born in the 17th century.
- Wristwatches got their start around 1880 with German naval officers. 75 years later, Private Doughboy Coolidge shoved one up his ass.
5. Plastic Surgery
It’s a biological fact: men love big boobs. It’s a biological fact we love small ones too, but we have a magic bond with bountiful bosoms.
Now, despite the popular misconception, the word “plastic” in “plastic surgery” does not mean “artificial”. It’s derived from the ancient Greek word “plastikos,” which means to mold or give form.
Initially, it was used to treat the wounded from The Great War, but is now primarily for the cosmetic, and the number of procedures has grown leaps and bounds.
Here are some of today’s most popular procedures, and for visual reference, all can be seen on Kim Kardashian:
- Breast Enlargement: silicone emerged as a tool for plastic surgeons to treat skin imperfections, which was then utilized for a breast implant device in 1962.
- Calf Implant: In honor of Johnny Drama, the first procedure was in 1972.
- Butt implants: the first dates back to 1969.
- Nose job: Rhinoplasty was developed in India around 800 BC.
- Hair implants: The first procedure: 19th century. The Trump: 1930’s. The micro-graft: 1980s. The lateral slit technique: 2000s.
- Lip injections: One biological effect of human aging is degeneration of facial fat, including the lips. Lip injections started around 1900, and collagen kicked in around 1980.
- Botox: There are too many failed and freaky experiments to list, but the FDA approved the modern technique in 2002.
Did I leave out something you do to look hot? Chime in! 
