“Guys girls”
How to be one: claim that you are a ‘guy’s girl’ and that you simply get along better with men. Say this without being consciously aware that your distaste for nearly every woman you become acquainted with (and by ‘distaste’ I mean ‘combination of intense fear and jealousy’) precedes actually becoming acquainted with any of them. The better-looking the female is, the greater your unfounded hatred should be. Be unable to refrain from physically reacting when one of these girls enters the room; grit your teeth, tighten your fists, eyeroll at everything they say. Create a self-fulfilling prophecy such that most girls hate you because you are so impolite.
“Pretty girls”
How to be one: if you do have girl friends, they should either be extremely good-looking or much less attractive than you. If they are exclusively babes you are That Girl Who Collects Pretty Friends To Try To Appeal To Men. You likely make out with girls at parties to try to get guys’ attention. You wear little clothing. You talk frankly about all the casual sex you have in front of men to try to seem extremely sexy. If you only have unattractive friends you’re That Girl Who Hangs Out With Ugly Chicks To Seem Hot By Comparison. The upshot here is that in addition to being the dude magnet of your group, your friends constantly compliment your appearance and success with men. By consequence you probably have an unfounded ego and treat your friends like shit, just so you know.
“Awkward girls”
How to be one: Draw attention to your flaws and insecurities by trying to pass them off as ‘adorable’ quirks. For example, at a club say, “Oh my god, I can’t dance, I’m sooooo awkward!” Remind everyone of this every ten minutes or so. Attempt to come across as super chill and secure but instead make it quite obvious that the opposite is the case and you’re trying to guilt someone into saying, “It’s okay, we can just stand by the bar then.” In every case do this without knowledge of the fact that no one would have noticed your flaws or insecurities had you not made such a big deal about them.
“Wifey girls”
How to be one: forget you have friends the second you get in a relationship. From day one when someone says, “What are you doing tonight?” begin answering by saying, “We are thinking of staying in.” Decline invitations to spend time with your friends on even the odd chance that your significant other wants to hang out with you, even if this means the majority of the time you end up clearing your schedule futilely.
Alternately, become extremely jealous when your friend gets in a relationship. Experience subconscious jealousy that they’ve been able to find a partner and allow it to manifest itself by accusing the friend of ignoring you or not being appropriately committed to the friendship. Talk about the friend behind their back and say absurd and hurtful things about how they don’t really even deserve a relationship or how their significant other is inferior for one reason or another.
“Stalker girls”
How to be one: at any given chance, intercept people’s private communication. Say things like, “Who are you texting” regularly enough that it seems rude and irritating. Memorize people’s Facebook passwords. Go through their e-mail when they leave it logged in on your computer. Do this without regard for how inappropriate and invasive this is, as well as how offended you would be should someone treat you that way. Feel motivated to do this because of your insecure and unfounded concern that your friends and/or significant other actually hate you and are out to conspire against you in some manner. Use whatever innocuous information you find to build this case. Expect your boyfriend to begin every conversation with a female by announcing that he has a girlfriend; anything less indicates he’s cheating on you. Expect your friends to tell you ever single personal detail about their lives and when you discover something they haven’t shared, feel slighted. 
This article originally appeared on Philolzophy.
