25 Things Guys Can Expect During Their First Week On Tinder

1. Swipes right: A lot

2. Women who have Sara Bareilles as a shared interest: Half of #1

3. Clearly straight guys who somehow screwed up creating their profiles: 2

4. Time it takes for the above straight guys to realize they screwed up: Who knows.

5. Time spent on each profile at first: 20-30 seconds.

6. Time spent on each profile after the first 50 profiles: 1-2 seconds.

7. Times you wish you didn’t swipe right too quickly because you wanted to check someone out more: 14-15

8. Accidental swipes left: 9-10

9. Genuine swipes left: 4-5

10. Ridiculously hot matches who turn out to be spammers: 4-5

11. Number of women who have pictures with boyfriends/husbands and probably forgot to delete Tinder: 4-5

12. Times you swipe right from #11 anyway: All

13. Matches who don’t respond: 4-5

14. Matches who respond: 4-5

15. Matches who respond but never get anywhere with because you said something dumb: 1-2

16. Times your message will get screenshotted and sent to her friends: Same as #15

17. Matches who respond but never get anywhere with because of sheer laziness on your side: #14 minus #15

18. What if you’re a male model or ridiculously good looking? Probably double #14 and cut #13 in half. But I don’t really know. I’m just guessing.

19. Really weird pictures you will see: 7-8

20. Times strangers will yell at you in public because you walked into them, or weren’t paying attention in line, due to swiping: 5-6

21. Facebook friend-adding, or page-liking, binge you will partake in to try to increase match chances: 1

22. Screenshots you will take and send to friends for whatever reason: 3-4

23. Clearly pornographic content you will see: 1

24. Women who share random masculine interest with you that you really want to match with: 2

25. Times you’ll get impatient and wonder why you have the app: Everyday after the first two days.