30 Dad Joke One-Liners That Will Have You Groaning


  1. I got so angry the other day when I couldn’t find my stress ball.
  2. If I had a dime for every book I’ve ever read, I’d say: “Wow, that’s coincidental.”
  3. Every night at 11:11, I make a wish that someone will come fix my broken clock.
  4. I’m not indecisive. Unless you want me to be.
  5. Homosexual couples don’t bother me. Their biological children do.
  6. I saw you frequent that bar that one time.
  7. My aunt never smoked a day in her life. But she did love her cigarettes.
  8. I once walked in on my parents while they were in bed. But they were asleep, so I left.
  9. The only thing worse than having diarrhea is having to spell it.
  10. I want to see something with the clothed eye.
  11. We all sort of live on an island.
  12. I can never remember how to spell mnemonic.
  13. I’m in low school.
  14. I once carved a Jill-o’-lantern.
  15. Last week, I picked up a waitress at the bar, and then I put her back down.
  16. Pennies are a dime a dozen.
  17. I don’t like relationships. I get seasick.
  18. From my point of view, all I can see is a point.
  19. I once saw a court stenographer transcribe a mime’s testimony.
  20. I once found a needle beside a haystack.
  21. Did you know that moths can swim the butterfly stroke?
  22. I once painted a self-portrait of someone else.
  23. I’m just itching to tell you about my allergies.
  24. On the sunny side of the street, it’s a little bit warmer.
  25. I was listening to some inspirational CDs in the car. They kept telling me to go the extra mile. So I did, and I got lost.
  26. The teacher said: “I can’t see my pupils.”
  27. My dad told me it was time to hit the sack, so I kicked him in the balls.
  28. I asked my friend to help me with a math problem. He said: “Don’t worry; this is a piece of cake.” I said: “No, it’s a math problem.”
  29. These aren’t soft and slow rules.
  30. Of all the quips on this page, this is definitely the last one.
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