In the battle of head versus heart, who usually wins?
We all know what I am talking about. We all have all been there. If not once, than many times. Don’t lie. You know you have. The head is saying ‘Absolutely not!’ but the heart is saying ‘Oh, please, please, yes.’ We all at some point or another have tortured ourselves. I torture myself. I wage a war based on self-preservation and burning desire. A war of feelings against logic. Self against ego. Reason against emotion. Want against need.
I have been told that I am like an island. I have been told that I have walls. I guess what I’m waiting for is someone to grab a damn boat and row. Or, grab a rope and climb. This takes work, sure. I realize that. It takes someone who truly cares. It takes someone who has the notion that the trip will be well worth it. It is. It would be, it will be! Now obviously this just requires too much effort for some and sometimes I make that effort rather difficult, I am FULLY aware. Most people are too lazy and those are the ones who aren’t worth it. I save all that I am for those who choose to row or climb.
Now, I try to be a logical person. I like things to make sense. I love sense of security. I like to do what’s right, doesn’t mean that I always do. I try to be just and moral and fair but again, I don’t always. I like to have all the facts before making a decision… Which in most cases my facts are wrong, really wrong. I like to think things through, see the whole picture and visualize the results, good or bad, sometimes my pictures are in need of some refocusing.
My analytical mind. A mind that knows right from wrong. A mind which knows what would be best for me. A mind that knows what it will accept and deny. A mind that needs proof, action and promise. A mind that won’t always be fooled.
I am also a dreamer. I believe in love and often doubts if love believes in me. But I continue to hope for the lid to my pot. I believe he’s out there learning what to contrast me against and I’m just waiting, maybe waiting like a fool and maybe I am a fool who is too late. But I believe in Fate, I have no doubt of my happily ever after… One day. Crazy, isn’t it?
My accursed heart. A heart that loves forever. A loyal heart that knows no bounds. A heart that wants to love and be loved in return. A heart that needs passion and fire. A heart that would forsake almost everything for great love. A heart that has been scarred, torn, ripped, shattered, bumped, bruised… it’s my heart but it still has so much more to bare.
It’s so overwhelming and consuming. I don’t like when my heart gets involved. Letting my heart get involved is opening myself up to chaos. At times, this is a beautiful thing. And other times, a scary thing. When my heart throws down the gauntlet to my head, I get scared. When both attack, the crescendo is too much to handle. I feel like my head will explode, my heart hurts, tears threaten to fall and I am paralyzed. Or….I run…like the wind.
I have a sensitivity that is private. But, don’t ever let that fool you into thinking I am made of stone. I am clearly not. I am probably one of the most sensitive people you will run across. I have had a lifetime of let downs, broken hearts, I have had things taken from me that I will never regain and crushed dreams. Most of the time I mourn those silently because that is how I carry on. I do break down occasionally but only in front of those I trust explicitly or in the silence of my own being. I work so hard at being strong all the time because I have to or at least I feel like I have to be. I have had to most of my life. So, when I show my weakness, when I stumble and fall, it’s shocking. It’s intense. It’s jaw dropping. It’s painful and it’s sad.
There is a quote that says, “The heart is forever making the head its fool.” I forget who said it but I’m pretty sure it was some French guy. They always have lots to say about love. But, this quote is fantastic, because it’s true. My heart is trying very hard to make my head the fool and my stubborn head is fighting back with a vengeance.
I don’t know who will win.
I don’t know if I am writing this for you…or for me.
I don’t know if it makes any sense.
What I do know is that if I stumble and fall, I will pick myself up. I will dust off my jeans and carry on, as usual. But I like to think that next time I will be listening to my heart, thinking clearly and following my gut before leaping… Like I said, I’d like to think that.
So who really wins?