The lights go out. The arena’s dull roar turns to exasperating chaos. A woman in her 40s wearing librarian glasses, a leopard blazer, and work-heels raises her gin and tonic to the air. The gay men start screaming “YAS, GIRL, YAS!!!” A group of hammered straight guys with snapbacks point to their sweatshirts, shamelessly sporting a now iconic tongue-faced portrait of a pop star. Kellan Lutz, Diane Keaton, Sarah Paulson, and 7,200 girls wearing little hair buns walk by. Where the hell am I? I’m at the Miley fucking Cyrus Bangerz Tour, and I’m hugging strangers I’m so happy.
My favorite part of the Bangerz Tour was all of it — but more specifically was when I heard someone in the crowd say Miley Cyrus wasn’t a feminist, which I found hilarious. How could you think Miley Cyrus isn’t a feminist? Just because she shows a little booty and fake-sucked Abe Lincoln’s dick in front of 18,000 people? What a surface observation! Miley Cyrus doesn’t give a fuck about you and your opinions, which is actually how she catapulted herself into the world of feminism.
Let me lay it out for you. Sir David Jason said to The Sun, “Miley Cyrus epitomises what we have allowed. She has done it to break the mould. I can understand why, but we have given her the oxygen of publicity and encouraged it, so young girls will think it is the right way to attract men. We’ve lost our standards.”
The “standards” Sir David Jason refers to are a set of rules that he believes our society has set for women to lead successful lives. And how does a woman do that, you ask? Well, a woman must attract a man in the right way, of course, then she can go on with her life of doing nothing but being there for her man who needs her for, well, nothing. We, as a society, haven’t lost our standards; we’ve shattered them. This quote enrages me more than my roommate who doesn’t know who Snape is. It astounds me that there are still people out there on the same planet as me who think like this… but what’s worse is that we have given him the “oxygen” and “publicity” to do so.
What if Miley Cyrus isn’t sexualizing herself for the men; What if it’s for the women? (Insert distasteful lesbian joke here). You guys, stop thinking feminism is about being a respectful woman with a respectful career and performing respectful behaviors.
Girls like having sex. The problem is, girls get scared to express that they enjoy sex because of slut-shaming. Slut-shaming is one of the worst things on Earth next to veganism. If a boy’s freak-number is 25, he’s a straight killer. In fact, why hasn’t he had MORE sex than that? IS HE AMISH?! However, if a girl has that same number, she’s your typical STD-ridden brothel bucket. That’s unfair. Feminism means one and only one thing: equality. It does NOT mean a deep, burning, putrid hatred of men, nor does it mean painting a vagina on your face and killing first born sons in your spare time. It’s ever-so-simply about establishing women and men on the same level in all aspects. Sex is one of those aspects.
Rihanna’s more recent albums are about hot sex, female desire and empowerment. The entirety of Rihanna’s song “Birthday Cake” is about a guy going down on her; something that is beyond widely spoken about in rap music, but from the male perspective. In fact, giving head is one of the top tiered subjects in rap music, next to (1) money, (2) bitches, and (3) no yeah, bitches. This is exactly what the Bangerz tour was like. It was a Blendini of Honey Boo-Boo country pageant queens, hip-hop music, and vagina. Miley grabbed her crotch more than Eminem, and it was awesome. Every woman there was hailing Miley like she was Kate Middleton’s Baby.
Most of the concert attendees are the same group who probably listened 2-Chainz earlier that day. 2-Chainz, the one who actually raps, “if yo girl don’t swallow kids, man that hoe basic” OUT LOUD. So, when Miley sings, “You’re sexy sexy, I got things I want to do to you, Make me make me, Make my tongue just go do-do-do,” why does it get labeled as inappropriate? And when Rihanna sings, “suck my cockiness, lick my persuasion,” how is that gross? The difference between these lyrics and 2-Chainz’s lyrics are…Well, nothing. Miley fans, like 2-Chainz fans, don’t crave musical ingenuity or originality. The point of Rihanna’s ”Cockiness” is about fuckin’ dudes, cause that’s what she wants to do, and we love that.
In Miley’s most recent music video, “Adore You”, she creates a sex-tape setting where she sings about a boy and masturbates. This was the hugest deal in all of the land for about a week. But, why? Guys talk about masturbating all the time. Guys masturbate ALL the goddamn time. I mean literally if you’re not talking to a guy in person RIGHT NOW, he is masturbating somewhere. Somewhere, someplace, most guys everywhere are masturbating right now. In Wolf of Wall Street, Jonah Hill masturbates at a party. At a party! That masturbation scene only got one joke at the Golden Globes, then the whole scandal, or lack there of, was kicked to the curb like the Kardashians’ morals.
I think Miley is very smart, much smarter than most of us choose to see. I dare you to go ask any millennial girl what her opinion is on Miley Cyrus. Unless she’s homeschooled, a product of conservative parents, or extremely timid, she’ll say: “Miley’s a boss.” …Because it’s true! Miley has girls her age fawning over her, following her like she’s Jesus Christ’s hot cousin. Miley is Noah, millennial girls are her animals, and the Bangerz Tour is her arc. She’s standing up and making a statement for twenty-something girls with libidos. She fucking wreaks of sex, drugs, rock ‘n roll and is dripping with couture. She’s a modern day rockstar, and it’s because she’s empowering the girls she surrounds herself with. And it doesn’t stop with these kids: for God’s sake, I saw Diane Keaton at her concert!
Miley knows her audience and she knows what we want. We want edge, we want DGAF, we want girls with grillz and guns and Blair from Gossip Girl shooting lasers out of her eyes. We want Orange Is The New Black thrashing against Rihanna’s pot garden to the sound of fucking chainsaws and Hilary Clinton’s ass on fire. That’s why Miley’s “23” collaboration with what seemed like a completely random array of rappers was such a hit. Because it WASN’T random rappers; it was all of our FAVORITE rappers, saying the same dumb shit, with our favorite white bitch singing bossy business over it. Strategy, guys. I mean, Jesus, her AMA performance of “Wrecking Ball” was like Buzzfeed sharted all over the stage in a kitty weed galaxy smackdown. Miley is like American Horror Story: Coven, The Hip-Hop Musical. GOD, I love her.
That’s why Bangerz is a total abomination on Sir David Jason’s ideals: It’s about not giving a fuck. Miley gives absolutely zero fucks. That’s why “Love, Money, Party” makes me want to hit up a strip club like a terrifying middle-aged man. It’s about the beat, the feeling engorged in the songs, and the ability to dance your face out of your butt and scream “Wrecking Ball” in your car like you’re Adele and you’re naked as fuck. Miley has street cred’ ya’ll, and it’s not just with her rapper friends, it’s with the girls of America.
So, men, stop being so selfish. Don’t slut-shame Miley and don’t slut-shame us. Miley is teaching all of you a lesson, one you aren’t even aware that you’re learning. Most men, (and most women too,) don’t make the conscious effort to actually THINK about this in their daily lives. This is the problem with equality: real equality is about the way you treat people, and you’re never going to treat people differently if you don’t make an effort to perceive them differently. If you don’t believe women and men are 100% wholly equal, what is physic-fucking-ly wrong with you?
Miley Cyrus is a feminist. She is liberating our libidos. She is bossy and outspoken. If Miley continues to use her sexuality as a dominant feature with men rather than a submissive feature, and portrays this in her lyrics like Rihanna does, she will blaze a trail as an icon in feminism and equality. Step your intelligence up, America. Women like Lena Dunham, Lorde, Missy Elliot, Taylor Schilling, Laura Prepon, Mary Louise-Parker and Miley are doing the biggest, most important service for young girls; they’re giving us heroes.
My boss said something to me about Miley Cyrus that really resonated: “How can one person, ONE PERSON… cause this sort of mass hysteria?” Take a gander at the look on every girl’s face after she walks out of the Bangerz tour: That should answer it.